I feel as if there's a big rush to do things... and what I'd like is a time out, a true break, a pause. So I can get my mind around a few things.

I don't have the whole picture. I think I'm missing some valuable perspective.
:]




I feel as if there's a big rush to do things. And what I'd like is ... what I like is to live my life, watching and observing without anyone including myself feeling as if I have to hide (out of e.g. shame guilt inappropriateness). Or act upon what I'm seeing.

I want to be and take in who I am. Preferably while having some fun/enjoying myself and others. My days are sometimes such a downer. I mean, shees louise.



My mom says you've got to take the bad with the good. "It's not all bad."


My mom and I .. lol. shees.

If she says she believes that life's inherenty chaotic.
I say I believe there's an underlying structure in everything.
We may be both right.

If she counsels to "go with the flow"
I'm silent and eventually think, you know going with the flow really hasn't been working for us.

If she says to take the bad with the good
I say, why? why accept that as a baseline for living.
"no it's all got to be good"
think about it. if our lives are dictated by our choices and beliefs, why not chose to believe life, the lives we live, can be all good. amazingly so.

my mom believes in volunteerism and supporting causes. and politics too.
i'm interested in grassroot efforts that have tremendous positive impact.
i believe .. and this i saw on a billboard earlier this morning ... that we should be our own cause.


who else better than ourselves knows what we need?




human warmth and connectedness though
laughter and smiles.

:] :)

go a long way.

some people believe you can only do that with others.
i believe it's important to learn how to enjoy your own company.
but i long for human company and companionship.






fixations of the mind.
oh man.
i could write about that forever.


but i think, i'll just ...

i don't trust my fixations.
and so i think i'll reflect upon that a bit.



my mom.
my mom once wrote a month or so ago, an email to my sisters and i, saying she believed she was our best friend.
that reminded me of my ex-boyfriend who said the same thing.


i've given it some thought, and have decided this. given my attachment and bonding issues, there can only be one person who'll ever be my best friend and that person is me.



friendly energy though.
if you or anyone else including my mom and ex boyfriend wish to share it with me, please feel free.

:)




i think today i've got to things i want to do. an exercise dale, another friend of mine suggested i do. to write out what i want and don't want. get it out on paper. i tend to write alot and i don't often like to look back... so i'd like to do this exercise, but i'm first giving it some thought so that it's worth the investment of my time and energy , and i don't get frustrated... like i often do.

the other exercise, i thought of doing, as i rode home on the max. a 5 mile walk was long enough.
and that's to look at my fixations.


i don't think they've been serving me well. in fact, i'd say they've been driving me up the wall.


if the dog whisperer can train dogs off their fixations, i can do it (for myself) too.




no lookin' back
at who i am
nor what i lack


what i can say is
i'm here
and there's a lot to be said for that.




sarah