i can't stand to be managed! (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).

that was me earlier this week in an email to my older sister.





there are some emotional patterns in our family that I'm intent on changing. for myself, yo'. it ties into quality of life issues. integrity. being true. and no longer so frickin' blue.

thank you. right.
ah right. and making things right too.

life is meant to be enjoyed, up down in and out through and through. and a lot of that involves for me entails getting in touch with my sensual energy.










my mom believes life is inherently chaotic. i believe there's in underlying structure. make that plural. she believes life's a struggle. painful too. and there's more. i believe in living life effortlessly, enjoyably. hard work? shees louise, why would i ever opt into that? no thank you. um, i hope that doesn't make me anti-american. i swear up down and all around, i'm exceedingly productive.




my sensual energy.







today i decided that was it. there's no more "you". now, it's all "i". why? give it a shot. and i believe it'll be self-explanatory.
and if i feel otherwise down the road, i'll post again, yo'.



lol.


what's with the yo' business?
i don't know.

shrugs :)


all part of the stream of consciousness ... um, make that barely consciousness .. flow.



today was a good day for me. yesterday i decided i needed to "be". no writing, no art, no worries, concerns, nor hurries. i needed to (frickin') be. and so things began .. ah well continue .. to change internally. which of course affects what i see and hear. in fact, it affects everything. and today, it's a good thing.


this week i realized trying don't cut it. i'm all for doing it now. selectively. that's to say, it's my choice.
the what, when, where, why and how.


"the difference between trying and doing is like going 10 miles an hour on a hwy instead of 60." echos ... my words yo' .. from a conversation i had with a fellow caribbean native last week.






writing. it's a bridge yo' that helps me to go,go, go. or rather flow.

it's a placeholder. i have to do something. while i continue to deal, addressing my concerns.

i enjoy writing. and it helps me communicate verbally at a higher level.

writing is a deeply relevant and meaningful activity for me.





this week, was an amazin' week. exhaustin' for sure.

what are you exhausted about? ben said as i was headin' out ... he was sprawled on the couch reading a book.

it was early in the day, last sunday or was it monday but shees if i wasn't beat. i don't know i said.

mental exhaustion yo'.


'm addressing all my concerns.
that's what's goin'.



ah, this week i decided "everything's exposed!" everything .. truth lies truth and all .. is apparent.

so why try and hide?
or run even for that matter.


here in portland, shees fucking louise, there's no running no hiding. it's been quite the experience.
thank you portland.



no more frickin' denying.



so yesterday i decided to be.
and today i decided that i would address all my concerns.

can you sense the remnants of
my impotence?


the changes are beginning.
i recognize and see it
i sense it and know it.

i'm backing it up with my mind body spirit and soul
full on'.


and its a frickin' lol
it's a beautiful thing to be a part of.
to have started
and to be in full ownership of.




a self-formed woman.



is she diggin' it?
yeah she's diggin' it.
how's it working for her?
exceedingly well thank you.


"aim for brilliance" i counseled myself earlier today "and when you get there, don't stop. keep going. there's a range you know. why ever stop? go go go go go."

:)


and flow.


i'm dealin'
no more reelin'
seeking reality consesus from others, no more.
now it is I who will determine the what and what for

deeply meaningful
deeply relevant
deeply ...
enjoyable.
sensual.




to enjoy and be enjoyed, fully and completely.
in every way i can possibly imagine,
and then some





creating a life that rocks and rolls
instead of one that sucks and is full of rules and roles
that works e4c4 well for me.


it's a beatiful dream.

Millet and Lentils


ingredients:*

millet
lentils (washed)
walnuts
raisins
indian curry powder
caradamon
onion
sea salt
coconut oil

apricot
pumpkin seeds
sea salt
brown sugar
cinnamon
indian curry powder
coconut oil


* use qtys. that please your senses. unsure? embrace the concept of pleasing your self and flow with your nose and taste buds.

the millet/lentils:

sautee onion in coconut oil. add curry powder, raisins and cardamon. stir and coat with the oil. add lentils, sea salt, and walnuts. stir also to coat. add millet and water (check ratios). stir. cover.

the chutney:

chop apricots (or any other fruit that's unfit to eat) (but of course fit to cook) *shees, and sautee in coconut oil. add brown sugar to taste. pumpkin seeds, a little bit of salt to taste, the spices. stir. added water. stir. and sautee until cooked.