Some people believe, when you make a decision, things fall into place effortlessly and enjoyably, without pushing or struggling, so long as your decision remains constant and your intention clear.

I feel as if there's a big rush to do things... and what I'd like is a time out, a true break, a pause. So I can get my mind around a few things.

I don't have the whole picture. I think I'm missing some valuable perspective.
:]




I feel as if there's a big rush to do things. And what I'd like is ... what I like is to live my life, watching and observing without anyone including myself feeling as if I have to hide (out of e.g. shame guilt inappropriateness). Or act upon what I'm seeing.

I want to be and take in who I am. Preferably while having some fun/enjoying myself and others. My days are sometimes such a downer. I mean, shees louise.



My mom says you've got to take the bad with the good. "It's not all bad."


My mom and I .. lol. shees.

If she says she believes that life's inherenty chaotic.
I say I believe there's an underlying structure in everything.
We may be both right.

If she counsels to "go with the flow"
I'm silent and eventually think, you know going with the flow really hasn't been working for us.

If she says to take the bad with the good
I say, why? why accept that as a baseline for living.
"no it's all got to be good"
think about it. if our lives are dictated by our choices and beliefs, why not chose to believe life, the lives we live, can be all good. amazingly so.

my mom believes in volunteerism and supporting causes. and politics too.
i'm interested in grassroot efforts that have tremendous positive impact.
i believe .. and this i saw on a billboard earlier this morning ... that we should be our own cause.


who else better than ourselves knows what we need?




human warmth and connectedness though
laughter and smiles.

:] :)

go a long way.

some people believe you can only do that with others.
i believe it's important to learn how to enjoy your own company.
but i long for human company and companionship.






fixations of the mind.
oh man.
i could write about that forever.


but i think, i'll just ...

i don't trust my fixations.
and so i think i'll reflect upon that a bit.



my mom.
my mom once wrote a month or so ago, an email to my sisters and i, saying she believed she was our best friend.
that reminded me of my ex-boyfriend who said the same thing.


i've given it some thought, and have decided this. given my attachment and bonding issues, there can only be one person who'll ever be my best friend and that person is me.



friendly energy though.
if you or anyone else including my mom and ex boyfriend wish to share it with me, please feel free.

:)




i think today i've got to things i want to do. an exercise dale, another friend of mine suggested i do. to write out what i want and don't want. get it out on paper. i tend to write alot and i don't often like to look back... so i'd like to do this exercise, but i'm first giving it some thought so that it's worth the investment of my time and energy , and i don't get frustrated... like i often do.

the other exercise, i thought of doing, as i rode home on the max. a 5 mile walk was long enough.
and that's to look at my fixations.


i don't think they've been serving me well. in fact, i'd say they've been driving me up the wall.


if the dog whisperer can train dogs off their fixations, i can do it (for myself) too.




no lookin' back
at who i am
nor what i lack


what i can say is
i'm here
and there's a lot to be said for that.




sarah

Someone, an older woman, once told me I wrote beautifully.

I could have hugged and kissed her for that. Spiritually I instantaneously and spontaneously did.



God I love to just let go.

I read somewhere, wish I could remember where but it's all a blur. A part of me believes I can and could if only I would, ... take the time. That I'd remember.




I read sometimes you have to tell a lie in order to reveal the truth.
I like that.



I write
a lot.
I'm never at a loss
when it comes to talk.

Truth is,
I love silence.


























Exactly.
And would prefer my art to speak for me.





But I feel as if we live in a society where saying no to words is just not done. And so I talk,
and often a lot. It's sort of like a nerous tick,
or something.





I'm learnin' to live with it while I "deal."





The lines between art and life are beginning to blur. And I pray the joy and freedom expressed in my work, continues to express itself through me, the new paintbrush. Society, the new software program. The intention: a bit different from my art.

To enjoy myself, completely, consistently (sans interruption) and amazingly.

I am deserving.
All necessary permissions are granted.






Blogging is a gift.
And so write again I see fit.
Ah yes at times I think to delete it all and quit.
But,
well, there's something so beautiful about revealing your true spirit, essence and soul.


Photos, writing, digital canvases, cooking, quiet and then not at all quiet times alone ...
and social interaction.






"I'm very defensive" I said to Ezra, a young man of 28 whom I met outside the library. He was playing an Australian musical instrument, and I dug the sound of it. That's how we began talking.
"You have ever right to be." he replied. "You're a beautiful, attractive woman."

:)
shees :)


The compliment aside, I felt .. redeemed. vindicated. justified. ah, affirmed.

I've been defensive all my life and now I understand that's totally appropriate.





Good then.








But what does any of this have to do with art? I don't know. But it does. What's art if not to channel the human spirit? I love, that when I'm creating art, there's no one over my shoulder telling me what to do. I'm learning how to do this in "real life" too.


I won't apologize for being in appropriate anymore. Nor for burying myself in my work.

echos
"you're either fully in, or not at all."
there's no toe in the water business going on.

so long as i know it's safe.
safety first.
enjoyment and pleasure follow.






i used to write like an insane woman, all a steady stream of words
and now?

i ask myself
to what end
what's the intention

and for the life of me, i don't know
except that i'm here.
and a part of me continues to enjoy it so.










damn, if i'm not like dori in "finding nemo".
i'd forget who i was if....


huh.


lol.




if
um
huh.




moving on along..........


how do we know who we are?

my response to that is:
i am.


i am
i was
i will be.


simple, see?





but why publish? publishing changes things, to be sure.

i get it.
still doesn't answer the question of "what for?"




damn, that's right
shees :)




to enjoy my company immensely, continuosly, repeatedly, preferably simply yet deeply and for sure genuinely.
to enjoy my self.





perhaps the need to repeat is a nervous tick too.





I'm learnin' to live with it while I "deal."





The lines between art and life are beginning to blur. And I pray the joy and freedom expressed in my work, continues to express itself through me, the new paintbrush. Society, the new software program. The intention: a bit different from my art.

To enjoy myself, completely, consistently (sans interruption) and amazingly.

I am deserving.
All necessary permissions are granted.