who am i? i'm someone like you
music, on my ipod
wilco, sky blue sky



my twin sister called, left a message on my cell. i called her back. she told me she had committed her daughter for psychiatric evaluation. my niece has been cutting herself for the past year and my sister having found out, set a rule: do it one more time, and we'll be going to the psychiatric hospital without any conversation about it.

my older sister is upset, understandably. "she doesn't belong in a psychiatric hospital ...she's a teenager, like i was once." my sister was wilder than most of us, but far from out of control. she only toed the line from time to time.

i've done the same ... granted in my 30's. i've always been a late bloomer.


so my niece is in the hospital, and i'm here thinking very little about it and feeling even less. it's how i cope best. giving things time, space and distance.

i don't feel as if i belong to this world we live in, i said to john last week.

last month i said, there are appropriate ways to express and feel pain. hurting yourself and others is not one of them.


it's why i love to write.
it's why i so easily throw myself into creating art.
it's why i love to look at the sky
and why my loves change all the time.



these days i'm preoccupied with how i'm going to support myself. my last day working in macy's furniture gallery is tuesday and all i can say about that right now is hurray.

that's despite all the pros i experienced working there.

i brought home the job description posted for the job in the employee's breakroom. and a part of it reads: "must enjoy engaging, interacting and developing relationships with others."


well, that, i said to john, explains everything.



he thinks i hate myself.
that's not true.
i'm just a bit confused.


and wish for so much.


i can start with the little stuff.



writing for me
it's my way of continuing to be free.



how do i feel
what's going down
what's for real


come on stick with me baby
we'll find a way
yes we'll find a way
robert plant, raising sand on my ipod

for everything to be a okay
f.


shrugs
:)