Several times, in the past several years, I've thought about everything I've experienced and been through. And I've had to back off, and quick. Because just thinking about it, made me sick.
And I knew for certain that taking it all in would for sure cause me to get ill. Very ill. So ill I wouldn't be able to recover and I'd die.
So I try not to dwell on the trauma of my life.
And I'm desiring very much to find much consistent pleasure and joy in my life.
One of the reasons I like to create art is because it's a safe medium where I can explore, let loose, flow and know I'll always be safe. I like that about writing too.
These days, I'm learning though to venture out into the world and do things that appeal to me. And discover why.
I'm learning to pay attention, to my thoughts and feelings. And I'm learning to be responsible for myself. In ways that extend beyond the shoulds.
Today I'm feeling, not really up to thinking too far ahead. I think one day at a time will work very well for me today.
Yesterday it snowed and snowed. We received 6-10 inches of snow here in Portlalnd, a city known for rain not snow. Every year, I said to John, people are sad because there's no snow on Christmas. Well this year there'll be snow for sure. I'm glad about that.
Last week, I looked up as the snow flakes, big huge soft beautiful white snow flakes, came down. I felt as if I was high, intoxicated by the joy of it all. It's not often I can look up and see the world coming down on me, safely. I laughed. And smiled. And then reminded myself that I was working.
It's true, I'm a digital artist and use very high tech software and hardware to create my art. But nature, is really where it's at and what it's all about, for me. Safe and comfortably within nature makes me very happy.
whoops, looks like i'm flowing again.
maybe that's not a bad thing.
i'll just carry this entry over to my flowin' blog when i'm done.
objective?
tis simple
to write
to flow
to be me
to experience movement
to both stop and go
to show up.
The plants are frozen outside. It's been forever since I've seen so much snow.
I was hungry, really hungry when I tried to go to sleep last night. So hungry my stomach hurt. I'm not hungry this morning. But nevertheless, I think it's time for some french toast.
My twin sister and I chatted last night. We don't often.
In my family we're adversarial, very much so, with each other. I want to enjoy and love my family. Not be attacked. Nor attack. Nor have to defend or be defended against. So I distance myself, in space, with time. Better to distance than to hate, I counseled her.
She said, "I don't want to be around people who don't enjoy me, don't embrace me" with true joy and pleasure ... with nothin' but smiles and laughter, happiness and bliss. I don't want to be around people who aren't my friends. she could have said.
I readily and full heartedly agree to that. It's important to be around people you like and who like you right back. It's healthy.
Joy! pleasure! Healthy tenderness too.
This I wish to her, me and you.
We all have such expectations on how others are supposed to be and behave
the expectations include our own behaviour too
My thoughts on that is
let's find a way to let loose
without harm
without foul
no pain n' suffering
That's my decide
and I think I'm going to let it ride.
Did someone mention french toast?
We have to regard the self, I said to John yesterday.
My self
your self
our selves
and never disregard
lest we find ourselves in the dull drums or harm's way.
but i guess it's ok to wonder and ponder over yesterday.
while comfortably resting or in motion today.
I'll find ways to take care of me.
And let the universe take care of we.
exceptionally well.
It's what I ask for.
on this white winter day
oh man
why do i feel so borderline dull and boring?
most of the time
if only,
i was more with it
aware and clear
of who i am and what's going on
on stable and solid ground.
if only ...
it was all so so amazingly wonderful and good
like the snow falling on me
did you stick your tongue out? he asked
i decided not to i replied
And I knew for certain that taking it all in would for sure cause me to get ill. Very ill. So ill I wouldn't be able to recover and I'd die.
So I try not to dwell on the trauma of my life.
And I'm desiring very much to find much consistent pleasure and joy in my life.
One of the reasons I like to create art is because it's a safe medium where I can explore, let loose, flow and know I'll always be safe. I like that about writing too.
These days, I'm learning though to venture out into the world and do things that appeal to me. And discover why.
I'm learning to pay attention, to my thoughts and feelings. And I'm learning to be responsible for myself. In ways that extend beyond the shoulds.
Today I'm feeling, not really up to thinking too far ahead. I think one day at a time will work very well for me today.
Yesterday it snowed and snowed. We received 6-10 inches of snow here in Portlalnd, a city known for rain not snow. Every year, I said to John, people are sad because there's no snow on Christmas. Well this year there'll be snow for sure. I'm glad about that.
Last week, I looked up as the snow flakes, big huge soft beautiful white snow flakes, came down. I felt as if I was high, intoxicated by the joy of it all. It's not often I can look up and see the world coming down on me, safely. I laughed. And smiled. And then reminded myself that I was working.
It's true, I'm a digital artist and use very high tech software and hardware to create my art. But nature, is really where it's at and what it's all about, for me. Safe and comfortably within nature makes me very happy.
whoops, looks like i'm flowing again.
maybe that's not a bad thing.
i'll just carry this entry over to my flowin' blog when i'm done.
objective?
tis simple
to write
to flow
to be me
to experience movement
to both stop and go
to show up.
The plants are frozen outside. It's been forever since I've seen so much snow.
I was hungry, really hungry when I tried to go to sleep last night. So hungry my stomach hurt. I'm not hungry this morning. But nevertheless, I think it's time for some french toast.
My twin sister and I chatted last night. We don't often.
In my family we're adversarial, very much so, with each other. I want to enjoy and love my family. Not be attacked. Nor attack. Nor have to defend or be defended against. So I distance myself, in space, with time. Better to distance than to hate, I counseled her.
She said, "I don't want to be around people who don't enjoy me, don't embrace me" with true joy and pleasure ... with nothin' but smiles and laughter, happiness and bliss. I don't want to be around people who aren't my friends. she could have said.
I readily and full heartedly agree to that. It's important to be around people you like and who like you right back. It's healthy.
Joy! pleasure! Healthy tenderness too.
This I wish to her, me and you.
We all have such expectations on how others are supposed to be and behave
the expectations include our own behaviour too
My thoughts on that is
let's find a way to let loose
without harm
without foul
no pain n' suffering
That's my decide
and I think I'm going to let it ride.
Did someone mention french toast?
We have to regard the self, I said to John yesterday.
My self
your self
our selves
and never disregard
lest we find ourselves in the dull drums or harm's way.
but i guess it's ok to wonder and ponder over yesterday.
while comfortably resting or in motion today.
I'll find ways to take care of me.
And let the universe take care of we.
exceptionally well.
It's what I ask for.
on this white winter day
oh man
why do i feel so borderline dull and boring?
most of the time
if only,
i was more with it
aware and clear
of who i am and what's going on
on stable and solid ground.
if only ...
it was all so so amazingly wonderful and good
like the snow falling on me
did you stick your tongue out? he asked
i decided not to i replied
posted by francesca at 12/21/2008 04:58:00 PM
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