yesterday, i realized something exceptionally important.  and i hope and trust this realization has a deep, transforming for the good impact in my life.

i realized

or, i wonder if it's that i decided

i decided that it is MY basic need to be delighted, continously, non stop, without fail.  sort of like breathing, if you know what i mean.

I NEED to be delighted as much ... perhaps even more actually ... than I need other things that we all take for granted.  

Delight is not to be underrated.

I mentioned this to a colleague of mine from work.  His eyes lit up and  he couldn't help but smile.  Exactly. That's the whole point.

Thank you Steve for helping me with this one. 

Delight as a basic human right.

absolf'____luitly.

:)

"you rock my world"

on the jukebox

crazy?

you betcha

nuts?

uhuh

an entertainer?

getting closer!

an actor?

on the nose

able capable increasingly comfortable

lucid, clear

able to identify who i am and what i hold dear

all i needed was a little break

from what some call the big ole rat race

shrugs

objectives

goals

friends

friendly energy

sensitive artistic beautiful 

sincere

quirky

n' exceptionally sensitive

quick, bright, sharp as a whip ... shrugs :)

the desire

to have a life

to live! 

exceptionally well 

to care

with no one telling me

who to be

what i am

the gap between who i am and what i experience

and what others see

exists

and we're both wondering

how can that be?

this vast gap between my inner and outer world view and reality

i'm working on that

work

shees

focus on your desire results

if i want it 

all i have to do is say it

insisting

meaning it

clarity!

beauty!

health

for myself and my family!

i'm part of a rather big family called humanity

and it extends beyond that too

my core

insists that i surround myself with people who understands

who shares what i adore

who'll support me without even thinking about it, maybe even knowing

because it's just who they are

easy support

delightful

supporting each other

success is guaranteed

you want your friends to succeed

you want to succeed

success is a seven letter word

the desire to do and be my best.

24/7.

far from delighted

i'm thinking

shees, time to start moving

one project after another

giving it thought and then some reflection

no more spinning wheels

cars can be moved

so can i today and tonight

considering

consideration

doing

being

thinking

feeling

respecting.

best way to respect something 

best way for something to respect you is to respect it

in this case? i'm speaking of my writing.

my time.

my calling

my dime.

it's my call.

and i've given it my all.

i'm cruel

beyond belief

i think we all are

and i think i've had enough

of the insensitivity

the lacking of 

something

let's talk

be open

get it all out

and that's what this project's been all about

"that's exceptionally brave of you"

people tell me all the time

i very much agree

and i ask myself

why?! why write?

why put it out there

and why flow

why not edit once in a while

or why not choose a subject

order 

organization

discipline

i'd rather flow

and trust natural formation of thoughts feelings clarity coherency

i'd rather flow

and believe 

there's a gift in all this

i chose to flow

because i don't often follow my mom's advice

and she told me so

go with the flow he said

and i said pulease

go with the flow she said

and i thought shees.

go with the flow

you want flow?

here you go.

:)

no longer angry

focused on delight and delightful energy

my aim is true

i simply was born to entertain you

lol

day and night

but excuse me while i continue to work my way out of my plight

"it has less to do with effort (hard work, toil and trouble) and more to do with ... wanting it. really wanting it.  and the results." ff

absolutely.

i find natural formations to be beautiful, real, true and interesting.  

"the best things in life take form naturally, with generous servings of play, enjoyment and leisure." ff. 

you know what?    i love my life. and increasingly more every minute, hour, day.

and who wouldn't be grateful and appreciative for receiving exactly what i need to live 

by standards i love, cherish, respect

today, tomorrow and yesterday

 

i wonder at times

ok this evening

what does it mean to be a natural at something

just so very good at what you're doing

me?

it's my superman, bull's eye focus

why lie?

i believe it

and that's my secret

knowing what to hold onto

when and what to let go

of

too much

ah

having fun

doing

what i

got

paying attention

playing

instead of feigning

wishingwantingablecapable

of 

driving

walking

talking

licking a sugar coated coffin.

huh?

:)

 high speed flow

we do it all the time

the focus 

the goal

i don't know

most people don't have a target

and most people don't even care to have one

is that true?

i read this a few days ago

and wondered

and thought

perhaps

a target

damn

:)

a true target.

that we enjoy ourselves

on and off

that we are ourselves

that we're open

sharing giving

interacting

beautifully

"you took away the fear,

and you brought me back to the light.

you are the sun,  you make me shine ..."

michael jackson on the jukebox tonight

"... you are my life."

:)

i am my life

you are your life

we are our life

"no more tears

no more pain

cause you love me"

"you help me understand

that love is the answer to all that i am

and i'm, i'm a better (wo)man since you taught me

by sharing your life."

mj on the jukebox tonight

corny?

i don't know

don't think so

he too was considered quite the natural

i respect him

don't know him, so i don't know whether i like him

but i bet if i was in a really good place i would and could

respecting the love

respecting the spirit

respecting and cherishing a person who in many important ways is so with it

you are the sun

you make me shine

you are my life

mj on the jukebox tonight

freeflow unedited

 

"you're such a natural at what you do.  and it shows that you're really enjoying yourself. and you do your job so well. 

i'm completely taken back when you say you're so uncomfortable and at unease inside.  it doesn't show. it doesn't show at all."

my manager said to me yesterday, as we chatted about my experiences with the job.

i don't know why there's such a disconnect. but there is. and it's my job to close the gap.

addressing what's troubling me

so that i no longer feel the need to apologize nor explain

for my behaviour

i can simply be

sweet lovin' n' happy

:]

emotionally able and capable

of lettin' go

of flying high

of touching, reaching n' extending

the sky

yes!

passionate!

able capable

of caring

daringly

and darlingly

with the innocence of a child

why?

because it's so beautiful

because it's a kind 

of freedom

because it's a beautiful way of livin'

what was i saying?

:)

expressing

paying attention to the details

the feelings

ah yes.

time to look back

so i can see where the original thought drifted and dropped off

emotionally able and capable

of reaching

touching and extending

my skies

is writing work

or is it more of my feeling like a dork

(not)

right

rock.

writing

making what's wrong right

what if it's all right

then what

oh yeah

lol

rock to the left

rock to the right

let's rock each other's worlds

let's rock our own worlds day and night

rock my world on the jukebox

mjackson

the desire to let go

open up

a quote from simplicity

"openess simplifies complexity"

lots of yeses tonight.

and complete clarity

it's a beautiful thing

that i'm totally appreciating

that's right.

let's rock

to the left

let's rock

to the right

let's rock our worlds

right here

and now

today tomorrow yesterday and tonight

with point and purpose

that we enjoy ourselves and each other

it's 

shees

so important

one of those life priority things.

i said

to a friend and colleague

he agreed and said what i was saying was right on and beautiful

refreshing.

passion is rewarded with success

unexpected perhaps

but if it's real

it'll always be in top form

and at it's best

"there are all sorts of challenges", i explained to my manager

(and god how i wish to excel)

but key here is the issue of

what i wish to excel at

what challenge i wish to take on

make my own

making it personal 

there are all sorts of challenges, the question is which challenge to take on. step up to the plate for. adore.

and absolutely understanding the what for.

familiar and unfamiliar ground.

to take a stand

and yes, this is my stance

and yes it makes me want to sing, fly, dance

and if you only knew

what i've been going through

you'd say

sing, fly, dance away

and maybe even you'd be able to relate

and find  yourself singing, flying, and dancing too

and perhaps your neighbor too

and none of us would feel like a fool

unedited flow

 

 

unedited flow

yesterday, i decided i wasn't going to be a part of any sort of aggression nor pressure.  that's not my thing. and it doesn't make me wanna sing.

 

at work for the past week, for the past several months, i've shared much about who i am, where i'm coming from, what's been troubling me.

 

one of my colleagues said, "you must have been going crazy all this time."

 

a few times, deeply meaningful times, i've found myself, head in my hands.   

it felt real.

 

our individual stories affect and impact ... very powerfully... the bigger picture ...  i'm no longer interested in suppressing my stories.

gaps in the story.

and the taste of tangerines from when i was a kid, in my mouth.

i'm no longer interested in being crazy, feeling crazy, acting crazy.

it's obvious something's been troubling  you, a client, a very nice client said last week.

i've been thinking about that.  about my troubles. my worries and concerns. and i've continued talking about it.  

seems like so many of us are troubled.  what are we going to do?

i don't know.

stop worrying

give it our full attention.

 

"i've been spinning wheels" i said to justin

i can do something about that.

"i'm a big worrier"

i can do something about my worries too.

i don't need to worry. i wrote in my journal a few days ago.

i don't need to worry. i don't want to worry. i'm not going to worry.

instead of worrying, paying attention and listening.

and continuing to take my life one day at a time. one day, one project, one conversation at a time.

what story am i writing? i wrote on the bus last night.

how about a story change?

i have a hard time with things.  doesn't have to be that way all the time.

 

"my head's spinning like a carosel..."

mjackson on the jukebox

unedited