where am i heading?
with all this flow
do you know child
where you want to go?





"thank god i'm a country boy"
john denver on john's music box





hey, i just want to sing, and dance
to laugh and play
hey, i want to work
and earn my keep
and way


this forelorn love business is over rated
i'll take true joy and pleasure any day


hurray ;-)



"thank god i'm a country boy"
the man could sure sing


hey hey
okay



what's this all about
lifted spirits
refreshing being and thinking


i don't know
it's about letting loose


"it's about looking for something i believe in
it's about looking for something to do with my life"
john denver on the boom box


thanks john
i need that

"i don't know what the future is holding and storing,
i don't know where i'm going
i'm not sure where i've been

there's a spirit that guides me ..."


thanks again.


"sweet, sweet surrender
live, live without care
like a fish in the water
like a bird in the air"


and once more :)


"sweet, sweet surrender
live, live without care
like a fish in the water
like a bird in the air."


i don't do things based on a dare
and it's not as if i don't care
au contraire
but



"just be here to day."



given a choice
i'd chose a spirit
who cares
that my days and nights
through and through
are filled with joy
and pleasure too.

december 21, 2008.
a wish.
a dream.
no longer the desire to scream.
no longer wondering if others are thinking, is she ok? is she coming apart at the seams?


never the case
i just needed a mentor

an understanding
there was a spirit
to guide me
gently along
around the pot holes
and through the loops and hoops
joyous actions
one after another
i'll forever write
to make things increasingly and repeatedly, continuously too





the things that bring me delirious yet peacefully so pleasure:

taking a bit of something so good, that i place my fork down and say thank you that was very good.


staring up into the sky. big white snowflakes coming down. white snow everywhere, in the sky and on the ground,
laughing. marveling. true bliss n' genuine no harm no foul happiness.

i've always wished to write well
it's part of what keeps me in hell

i write well
i am no longer in hell


i write
speedy
tricky
micky
dicky

i write
and am ashamed
but then i say
hey don't forget the rules of the game

to be
to flow

but what about direction?
and giving some things (shees) some consideration

like
being nice
treating yourself well and others too
knowing you're in a place of heaven adn forgiveness
rather than damnation and hell

like
being genuine
being real
being authentic
too

being in a way that is a okay
and good for me and you




"hey it's good to be back home again"
john denver on john's cd player





holding on
taking it quick
wishing for

blissful clarity
and no more false sincerity

desiring
to relax
and know
this way i flow
and off line too
works very well
extraordinarily so too
for me and you



destined
to put a smile on my face
destined
to be lifted and a place i'd remain
a state of grace
and focused on my work duties and responsibilities too
no more strugglin' to save face



you fill up my senses, like a night in the forest
like the mountains in spring time
like a walk in the rain

like a storm in the desert
like a sleepy blue ocean

you fill up my senses
come fill me again

john denver

Some people believe in love.

I believe in pleasure joy
in truth telling too

I believe in happy today and forever afters

This much I know is true.



I long for clarity
I long to speak
I long to write
Mighter than the sword
and keeps me light

I long to flow
comprehending as I go
and months and years after too

I long
to be
free
more so than to belong

I long to believe

That I'm everything I know I already am

Confusing, isn't it Sam?

I long.

I long to Hold on.


to all that helps
not hurts
to that which my embrace would never hurt
nor cause not even an iota of dismay

i long to hold on
to that which
gives me
perhaps even without knowing
a true helping hand

in this sea
this forest
all this wilderness

i long
i need
to hold on

to my understanding
that we all need something to hold onto.
something true to believe in.

something simple
something clear
something worthy
something dear


for some it's man
with him attached, a hand
for me it's my ability to feel sense and think
writing is what saves me from
taking a drink
and writing is what i chose will save me from
the brink.



i love to write!
and that's no lie
i love love to


whoops
catching myself now
it's pleasure joy and happiness i'm after
and the happy together and today and forever more.


i joy to life, whoops i mean write
i believe in my right to write



"she can live the life she wants to
it's alright with me.
but hey i'd rather be a cowboy"
john denver


nice to know where you stand and where you're coming from. and what's going on.
so that i can see
what it means
this business
of you and me

since i was a kid
smiling faces staring back at me
and dancing the jig
i wished i could join in
i wished i could inspire myself to want to win



some other's game
no thank you all the same
i'd rather play with those i like
rather than the kids and things that bring me fright

i'd rather write
with all my might


or create art
beautiful colors and shapes too

or take photos that show images that reflect truths that come
straight from the core of my being and heart



sh ...


whew.

never say something is unattainable or impossible. for just because it may be right now and today, and just because it may be out of your reach, right now and today, it doesn't mean it can't happen or wouldn't ever.

so just hold on. hold on to the wish and the desire.
write it down, make it happen

and maybe you'll find it happening. and you find yourself wowing. genuinely hurraying and blissfully sighing. most of the time.





in my family, we bear silent witness
until we can no longer


permission is given
perhaps one of us one day
perhaps i will today and all the days to follow
will find myself driven
and no longer hollow.

driven to flow

driven to sing

driven to given up everything
the people, places and things that have helped me grow
in order to become content within
and satisfied with what i place effort in and sow

no more focused so much on what it is i lack
but rather
on
needs
far from greeds
and smiles
and laughter
and pleasure

genuine smiles and hurrays
for real true and sure
happily today and forever afters

need i say more?

Several times, in the past several years, I've thought about everything I've experienced and been through. And I've had to back off, and quick. Because just thinking about it, made me sick.

And I knew for certain that taking it all in would for sure cause me to get ill. Very ill. So ill I wouldn't be able to recover and I'd die.

So I try not to dwell on the trauma of my life.

And I'm desiring very much to find much consistent pleasure and joy in my life.



One of the reasons I like to create art is because it's a safe medium where I can explore, let loose, flow and know I'll always be safe. I like that about writing too.






These days, I'm learning though to venture out into the world and do things that appeal to me. And discover why.
I'm learning to pay attention, to my thoughts and feelings. And I'm learning to be responsible for myself. In ways that extend beyond the shoulds.


Today I'm feeling, not really up to thinking too far ahead. I think one day at a time will work very well for me today.



Yesterday it snowed and snowed. We received 6-10 inches of snow here in Portlalnd, a city known for rain not snow. Every year, I said to John, people are sad because there's no snow on Christmas. Well this year there'll be snow for sure. I'm glad about that.




Last week, I looked up as the snow flakes, big huge soft beautiful white snow flakes, came down. I felt as if I was high, intoxicated by the joy of it all. It's not often I can look up and see the world coming down on me, safely. I laughed. And smiled. And then reminded myself that I was working.


It's true, I'm a digital artist and use very high tech software and hardware to create my art. But nature, is really where it's at and what it's all about, for me. Safe and comfortably within nature makes me very happy.


whoops, looks like i'm flowing again.
maybe that's not a bad thing.


i'll just carry this entry over to my flowin' blog when i'm done.


objective?
tis simple
to write
to flow
to be me
to experience movement
to both stop and go

to show up.


The plants are frozen outside. It's been forever since I've seen so much snow.

I was hungry, really hungry when I tried to go to sleep last night. So hungry my stomach hurt. I'm not hungry this morning. But nevertheless, I think it's time for some french toast.



My twin sister and I chatted last night. We don't often.
In my family we're adversarial, very much so, with each other. I want to enjoy and love my family. Not be attacked. Nor attack. Nor have to defend or be defended against. So I distance myself, in space, with time. Better to distance than to hate, I counseled her.

She said, "I don't want to be around people who don't enjoy me, don't embrace me" with true joy and pleasure ... with nothin' but smiles and laughter, happiness and bliss. I don't want to be around people who aren't my friends. she could have said.

I readily and full heartedly agree to that. It's important to be around people you like and who like you right back. It's healthy.




Joy! pleasure! Healthy tenderness too.
This I wish to her, me and you.

We all have such expectations on how others are supposed to be and behave
the expectations include our own behaviour too
My thoughts on that is
let's find a way to let loose

without harm
without foul
no pain n' suffering

That's my decide
and I think I'm going to let it ride.

Did someone mention french toast?



We have to regard the self, I said to John yesterday.
My self
your self
our selves
and never disregard
lest we find ourselves in the dull drums or harm's way.
but i guess it's ok to wonder and ponder over yesterday.
while comfortably resting or in motion today.


I'll find ways to take care of me.
And let the universe take care of we.
exceptionally well.

It's what I ask for.
on this white winter day

oh man
why do i feel so borderline dull and boring?
most of the time


if only,
i was more with it
aware and clear

of who i am and what's going on
on stable and solid ground.


if only ...

it was all so so amazingly wonderful and good
like the snow falling on me


did you stick your tongue out? he asked
i decided not to i replied