Verbal Flow

2008-12-21T17:27:00.001-08:00

where am i heading?
with all this flow
do you know child
where you want to go?

"thank god i'm a country boy"
john denver on john's music box

hey, i just want to sing, and dance
to laugh and play
hey, i want to work
and earn my keep
and way

this forelorn love business is over rated
i'll take true joy and pleasure any day

hurray ;-)

"thank god i'm a country boy"
the man could sure sing

hey hey
okay

what's this all about
lifted spirits
refreshing being and thinking

i don't know
it's about letting loose

"it's about looking for something i believe in
it's about looking for something to do with my life"
john denver on the boom box

thanks john
i need that

"i don't know what the future is holding and storing,
i don't know where i'm going
i'm not sure where i've been

there's a spirit that guides me ..."

thanks again.

"sweet, sweet surrender
live, live without care
like a fish in the water
like a bird in the air"

and once more :)

"sweet, sweet surrender
live, live without care
like a fish in the water
like a bird in the air."

i don't do things based on a dare
and it's not as if i don't care
au contraire
but

"just be here to day."

given a choice
i'd chose a spirit
who cares
that my days and nights
through and through
are filled with joy
and pleasure too.

december 21, 2008.
a wish.
a dream.
no longer the desire to scream.
no longer wondering if others are thinking, is she ok? is she coming apart at the seams?

never the case
i just needed a mentor

an understanding
there was a spirit
to guide me
gently along
around the pot holes
and through the loops and hoops
joyous actions
one after another
i'll forever write
to make things increasingly and repeatedly, continuously too

the things that bring me delirious yet peacefully so pleasure:

taking a bit of something so good, that i place my fork down and say thank you that was very good.

staring up into the sky. big white snowflakes coming down. white snow everywhere, in the sky and on the ground,
laughing. marveling. true bliss n' genuine no harm no foul happiness.

2008-12-21T17:18:00.002-08:00

i've always wished to write well
it's part of what keeps me in hell

i write well
i am no longer in hell

i write
speedy
tricky
micky
dicky

i write
and am ashamed
but then i say
hey don't forget the rules of the game

to be
to flow

but what about direction?
and giving some things (shees) some consideration

like
being nice
treating yourself well and others too
knowing you're in a place of heaven adn forgiveness
rather than damnation and hell

like
being genuine
being real
being authentic
too

being in a way that is a okay
and good for me and you

"hey it's good to be back home again"
john denver on john's cd player

holding on
taking it quick
wishing for

blissful clarity
and no more false sincerity

desiring
to relax
and know
this way i flow
and off line too
works very well
extraordinarily so too
for me and you

destined
to put a smile on my face
destined
to be lifted and a place i'd remain
a state of grace
and focused on my work duties and responsibilities too
no more strugglin' to save face

you fill up my senses, like a night in the forest
like the mountains in spring time
like a walk in the rain

like a storm in the desert
like a sleepy blue ocean

you fill up my senses
come fill me again

john denver

2008-12-21T17:18:00.001-08:00

Some people believe in love.

I believe in pleasure joy
in truth telling too

I believe in happy today and forever afters

This much I know is true.

I long for clarity
I long to speak
I long to write
Mighter than the sword
and keeps me light

I long to flow
comprehending as I go
and months and years after too

I long
to be
free
more so than to belong

I long to believe

That I'm everything I know I already am

Confusing, isn't it Sam?

I long.

I long to Hold on.

to all that helps
not hurts
to that which my embrace would never hurt
nor cause not even an iota of dismay

i long to hold on
to that which
gives me
perhaps even without knowing
a true helping hand

in this sea
this forest
all this wilderness

i long
i need
to hold on

to my understanding
that we all need something to hold onto.
something true to believe in.

something simple
something clear
something worthy
something dear

for some it's man
with him attached, a hand
for me it's my ability to feel sense and think
writing is what saves me from
taking a drink
and writing is what i chose will save me from
the brink.

i love to write!
and that's no lie
i love love to

whoops
catching myself now
it's pleasure joy and happiness i'm after
and the happy together and today and forever more.

i joy to life, whoops i mean write
i believe in my right to write

"she can live the life she wants to
it's alright with me.
but hey i'd rather be a cowboy"
john denver

nice to know where you stand and where you're coming from. and what's going on.
so that i can see
what it means
this business
of you and me

since i was a kid
smiling faces staring back at me
and dancing the jig
i wished i could join in
i wished i could inspire myself to want to win

some other's game
no thank you all the same
i'd rather play with those i like
rather than the kids and things that bring me fright

i'd rather write
with all my might

or create art
beautiful colors and shapes too

or take photos that show images that reflect truths that come
straight from the core of my being and heart

sh ...

whew.

2008-12-21T16:59:00.001-08:00

never say something is unattainable or impossible. for just because it may be right now and today, and just because it may be out of your reach, right now and today, it doesn't mean it can't happen or wouldn't ever.

so just hold on. hold on to the wish and the desire.
write it down, make it happen

and maybe you'll find it happening. and you find yourself wowing. genuinely hurraying and blissfully sighing. most of the time.

in my family, we bear silent witness
until we can no longer

permission is given
perhaps one of us one day
perhaps i will today and all the days to follow
will find myself driven
and no longer hollow.

driven to flow

driven to sing

driven to given up everything
the people, places and things that have helped me grow
in order to become content within
and satisfied with what i place effort in and sow

no more focused so much on what it is i lack
but rather
on
needs
far from greeds
and smiles
and laughter
and pleasure

genuine smiles and hurrays
for real true and sure
happily today and forever afters

need i say more?

2008-12-21T16:58:00.001-08:00

Several times, in the past several years, I've thought about everything I've experienced and been through. And I've had to back off, and quick. Because just thinking about it, made me sick.

And I knew for certain that taking it all in would for sure cause me to get ill. Very ill. So ill I wouldn't be able to recover and I'd die.

So I try not to dwell on the trauma of my life.

And I'm desiring very much to find much consistent pleasure and joy in my life.

One of the reasons I like to create art is because it's a safe medium where I can explore, let loose, flow and know I'll always be safe. I like that about writing too.

These days, I'm learning though to venture out into the world and do things that appeal to me. And discover why.
I'm learning to pay attention, to my thoughts and feelings. And I'm learning to be responsible for myself. In ways that extend beyond the shoulds.

Today I'm feeling, not really up to thinking too far ahead. I think one day at a time will work very well for me today.

Yesterday it snowed and snowed. We received 6-10 inches of snow here in Portlalnd, a city known for rain not snow. Every year, I said to John, people are sad because there's no snow on Christmas. Well this year there'll be snow for sure. I'm glad about that.

Last week, I looked up as the snow flakes, big huge soft beautiful white snow flakes, came down. I felt as if I was high, intoxicated by the joy of it all. It's not often I can look up and see the world coming down on me, safely. I laughed. And smiled. And then reminded myself that I was working.

It's true, I'm a digital artist and use very high tech software and hardware to create my art. But nature, is really where it's at and what it's all about, for me. Safe and comfortably within nature makes me very happy.

whoops, looks like i'm flowing again.
maybe that's not a bad thing.

i'll just carry this entry over to my flowin' blog when i'm done.

objective?
tis simple
to write
to flow
to be me
to experience movement
to both stop and go

to show up.

The plants are frozen outside. It's been forever since I've seen so much snow.

I was hungry, really hungry when I tried to go to sleep last night. So hungry my stomach hurt. I'm not hungry this morning. But nevertheless, I think it's time for some french toast.

My twin sister and I chatted last night. We don't often.
In my family we're adversarial, very much so, with each other. I want to enjoy and love my family. Not be attacked. Nor attack. Nor have to defend or be defended against. So I distance myself, in space, with time. Better to distance than to hate, I counseled her.

She said, "I don't want to be around people who don't enjoy me, don't embrace me" with true joy and pleasure ... with nothin' but smiles and laughter, happiness and bliss. I don't want to be around people who aren't my friends. she could have said.

I readily and full heartedly agree to that. It's important to be around people you like and who like you right back. It's healthy.

Joy! pleasure! Healthy tenderness too.
This I wish to her, me and you.

We all have such expectations on how others are supposed to be and behave
the expectations include our own behaviour too
My thoughts on that is
let's find a way to let loose

without harm
without foul
no pain n' suffering

That's my decide
and I think I'm going to let it ride.

Did someone mention french toast?

We have to regard the self, I said to John yesterday.
My self
your self
our selves
and never disregard
lest we find ourselves in the dull drums or harm's way.
but i guess it's ok to wonder and ponder over yesterday.
while comfortably resting or in motion today.

I'll find ways to take care of me.
And let the universe take care of we.
exceptionally well.

It's what I ask for.
on this white winter day

oh man
why do i feel so borderline dull and boring?
most of the time

if only,
i was more with it
aware and clear

of who i am and what's going on
on stable and solid ground.

if only ...

it was all so so amazingly wonderful and good
like the snow falling on me

did you stick your tongue out? he asked
i decided not to i replied

2008-08-28T12:54:00.000-07:00

my friend dale sent me an extra ipod he had. it's rad. a long standing fad we all enjoy.

these days i'm enjoying and drawn to janis joplin.
take another piece of me

i'm going to show you baby that a woman can be tough
so come on, come on, come on, so take it
take another piece of my heart now baby
you know you got it if it makes it feel good
oh yes indeed.

shrugs :)

my twin sister wrote and said my mom's hypocritical and an inventor of truths telling stories that are convenient for her. and my thought is, yes. that sounds right on. and wow, that's very poetic of her.

i love when we shine brilliantly.
and love it ... really appreciating and increasingly ... when others tell me that i impact them deeply, truthly beautifully meaningfully.

you should write, he said, a book.
a book, i said.
not from where i'm coming from.

no more convenient truths
i'm all about seeing the real me and you.
smiling through and through
cause i believe in the healing power of feeling consistently really good.

well, now that i'm caught up here and jammin with janis
i've got to go.

"try, try, try just a little bit harder"

oh man janis
you rock.

"... so i won't lose lose lose..."

2008-08-28T12:23:00.000-07:00

though you had ever reason
you didn't come undone
somehow you made it through to the other side
you didn't suffer in vain
sade on my ipod

rosanna, i wish you the same.

people say i'm one of the most grounded, sane people they know
so bright
such a keen mind
so positive and vibrant

it's not only one of me
there is we
don't beleive me
get out there, open up, give and see

or dive in
and then share
i know you want to
and i know you dare

like a sponge
observing it all
winter spring summer and fall

crazy?
don't think so
we need to live lives that serve us well
through and through

it's only love that gets you through
sade

2008-08-28T12:18:00.000-07:00

i write
because it's safe
physically anyway

i write a whole lot better when i edit
and when i'm clear what i'm writing for
but

there you have it

more flow

it's only love that gets you through
sade on my ipod

i wonder
how
what other good turns i can do for myself in my life
others too

last week
when people asked
what are you going to do?
and i said i don't know

this week
i said
i don't know
but one thing i can say is
it'll be an adventure
i believe in the first intent
adn confident in this belief

i deserve to be happy and enjoying my life
day and night

continuously
consistently
living life
well

love is kind, and love can give and love needs no gain
sade

2008-08-28T12:06:00.001-07:00

who am i? i'm someone like you
music, on my ipod
wilco, sky blue sky

my twin sister called, left a message on my cell. i called her back. she told me she had committed her daughter for psychiatric evaluation. my niece has been cutting herself for the past year and my sister having found out, set a rule: do it one more time, and we'll be going to the psychiatric hospital without any conversation about it.

my older sister is upset, understandably. "she doesn't belong in a psychiatric hospital ...she's a teenager, like i was once." my sister was wilder than most of us, but far from out of control. she only toed the line from time to time.

i've done the same ... granted in my 30's. i've always been a late bloomer.

so my niece is in the hospital, and i'm here thinking very little about it and feeling even less. it's how i cope best. giving things time, space and distance.

i don't feel as if i belong to this world we live in, i said to john last week.

last month i said, there are appropriate ways to express and feel pain. hurting yourself and others is not one of them.

it's why i love to write.
it's why i so easily throw myself into creating art.
it's why i love to look at the sky
and why my loves change all the time.

these days i'm preoccupied with how i'm going to support myself. my last day working in macy's furniture gallery is tuesday and all i can say about that right now is hurray.

that's despite all the pros i experienced working there.

i brought home the job description posted for the job in the employee's breakroom. and a part of it reads: "must enjoy engaging, interacting and developing relationships with others."

well, that, i said to john, explains everything.

he thinks i hate myself.
that's not true.
i'm just a bit confused.

and wish for so much.

i can start with the little stuff.

writing for me
it's my way of continuing to be free.

how do i feel
what's going down
what's for real

come on stick with me baby
we'll find a way
yes we'll find a way
robert plant, raising sand on my ipod

for everything to be a okay
f.

shrugs
:)

2008-08-27T17:18:00.000-07:00

I didn't get the job at the fish shop. But John's fish tank looks great. And the new goldfish are swimming around looking really happy.

Last month my pinky friend forever Dale joked John's fishtank had become a death trap (many of the fish had died) ... with a bit of attention, that death business has been put to a stop.

I hope.
It's my ever present intention.

We all deserve clean, ideal for us where we will flourish prosper and thrive environments to live work play laugh in. The fish and all we care for included.

Hurray!

It's time to stop what you have started
It's time to stop all your sobbin'
on the ipod.

sigh.

it is time for you to laugh instead of crying
yes it's time for you to laugh

: )

right choices
=> right flow

that's all i needed to know

but how do i define what's right?

smiling and laughing
enjoying are all part of the formula.

healthy happy smiles and feet
prosperity too

showin me what to do

sweet roselin,
sometimes you've got to give in
sometimes you've got to be loved"
on the ipod

and me
appropriately.

2008-08-27T17:08:00.000-07:00

have you ever loved someone so much you've give them all for?
rap on
right on
slim shady

what does it mean, to do right
for yourself
by your light

others too

no lose

win wins all around
no frowns
no blow ups
no clowns

what does it mean
to do good turns for yourself, for others

i chatted with a librarian about this last month
and she said
sounds like philosphy
we chatted a bit more and she said "ah, career related" you need to visit the career section. and then after a few minutes more of woman to woman chit chat, she laughed and said, sweetheart, that's got to do with living life. i wish all the best to you.

living life
i long to rejoice everytime i hear the sound of my voice
and the consequence of my choice.

2008-08-08T13:40:00.000-07:00

yesterday i made a pact to enjoy my own company. no matter what's going down. where i'm at. what i've got to do. as a way of getting myself of out the woe is me blues. not to trivialize my long lived depression. everyone needs something to care about, and what i care most about is how i experience myself as i live my days and nights.

i really have to keep reminding myself.

wierd huh?

yeah.
:]

now that i've given notice, i'm freaking out. but there's a fish store that's always hiring and keenly interested in staff that actually would give a damn and show up on time. would they pay $12. an hour? i asked. min. wage leo, the manager replied. and it would be a slow climb up in term of raises.

damn i said. that's what i thought.

the fish tanks looked so clean, so nice. i like working with people who are experts, do a great job doing what they do and care. and i love animals.

moving on.

2008-08-07T15:09:00.000-07:00

I cut my hair today ... actually John did the cutting. I set up the appt., showed up and explained what I wanted. He says I have very delicate features. I like not having lots of hair to hide behind. My art today comes down at the Tiga bar. Not one email nor sale. The art looked nice there. A few of the canvases even looked as if they belonged. Tomorrow is 8/08/08. I'm not mystical nor superticious. But I sure like and am delighted by the sound of 8/8/8, if only because it doesn't happen every day.

I live in Milwaukee ... no longer in Portland. I didn't realize I had moved out of Portland until a few months after the move. Does that make me an airhead?

I picked up a great sci fi book at the library. First fiction book I've read in a long time.

I wonder how long this whole "enjoy my own company consistently" project will take. God knows, I'm not interested in fakin' til I make it. I'm hear, whoops here, motivated and showing up for something I care about.

A human endeavour that has my heart written all over it.

'-)

Here's to enjoying our own company
together and when we're home or out on the town alone.

sugar and spice makes everything nice
yeah, :)

thanks michael,

f.

2008-08-07T15:05:00.001-07:00

I kicked butt ... as a part of me expresses ... on the job. Showed up and gave it as much as ever have and did very well. Took another strong, simple step ... to bow out and find a new job.

It's so important to me to do well, to accomplish, to excel ... by my standards, by what's important to me. I seek safe harbours and enjoyable, really interesting work where I'll excel, grow, develop and well.

Health, wealth, happiness and true genuine spiritual beauty are all very important to me. And that includes enjoying my own company.

Simple steps
is what I like best.

2008-07-24T12:46:00.000-07:00

a few weeks ago we began a big semi annual sale at the store. i just barely made my goals during the last sale, so i announced to my fellow sales associates that i was going to be very focused on the sale this month.

i'm doing very well, leading the pact, and that's a fact.
our dept. is meeting and exceeding the set goals.
and i continue to wonder, do i stay or do i go now?
and how.

it's so important to me to excel.

i'm tired of failing.

i think that's a good thing.

a few years back, a guy asked me, "what are you, an over acheiver or something?"
he could only see success whereas i felt much distress.

i think today i'll continue to think about success and what that means to me.

building my day,
my week
my year
my life
one success after another
sounds pretty damn good to me.

2008-07-24T12:36:00.000-07:00

lacking words

sure there's a lot i could
say talk about and so on

but
well
ah
hell

i love to write
try as i may and might
a part of me continues
to show up for a fight

and another part says
what the hell is going on

i live a life of torment!
i stated admitted realized owned up to
yesterday
and it felt good

do you take meds for that?
someone asked
shees

no, no i don't.
i'm dealing
ok?
i won't bring it up again
to you.

i mentioned it to another colleague
she said she could relate and had discussed that with a therapist a few years back who told her she suffered from being real hard on herself.

i said well, i'm also intent on living in a high spirits, joyous state of being.

the mind is very malleable, you know?
it's all about perspective

she laughed, and said she really liked that.

so long as we're laughing
laughter, kind laughter, is one of those good for your mind, body, spirit, soul and memory that i trust.

today's my day off. it's a gorgeous day out. and i have no idea what i'm doing, except that i'm here, and soon will be out there, continuing on through my day.

i'm open
i'm wanting

and i'm deserving

a life full of kindness, generousity, beauty, wellness, joy and prosperity.

2008-06-06T16:34:00.000-07:00

I asked myself the other day, what have I been creating? what would I like to create?

What do I have to work with?
What's the point?

Answering the Questions help to set the parameters.

We live in a marvelous world and yet,
I have such a difficult time making my way through it.

will it always be like this?
according to the parameter I set today, and this year, and this lifetime,
the answer is
nay.

2008-06-03T18:51:00.000-07:00

everyone needs spaces where they can simply be.

at work, a colleague and i chatted.

work?
it's manageable.
and that's about it.

maybe it's a process.
from unmanageable
to manageable
to eventually ... prosperous, which includes health, contentment, happiness, and true beauty inside and out.

and god how i love that.

the gift i have, i feel i have at work, among others is that i can express freely what i'm feeling, where i'm coming from, and while not all of it may be warmly embraced by all, it's a okay. because at work, where i work, it's a okay to be human.

and i like that.

i'm working in retail sales now. and have been for a while. it's challenging. i do like the dynamic nature of retail. i've always liked movement. and where i work as it's ebbs and flows. i remind myself how much i have sought out "mellow flow" and at times it's quite mellow (= slow) on the floor.

retail.
service.

a few weeks ago i realized i needed, no wait make that i needed and wanted to take ownership of the fact i am where i am.

ownership.
it does a mind, body, spirit and soul good.

instead of checking my soul at the door, each time i stepped onto the retail floor,
i take it with me.

"that means you're genuine" one girl who used to work on the women's fashion/clothes floor ... she left to continue her fashion consulting business .... said to me.

yes, i replied. i am genuine.

today i felt so tired.
i mentioned it to another associate
kristy. she's nice. she's got a hint of punk to her. which i've always thought was a little on the hip and cool ... and certainly different... side.
you look tired, kristy said.

am i writing or tryin'?

i'm writing.

you should go get some sleep after work she said. and then she said, wait, make that relax. go do stuff relaxing for yourself.

yes! i said.

relax, though.
what's that?
:)

i'm always on go go go
who would have ever though
given my so oh so mellow demeanour.

thing is
i'm big on accomplishing things.

the art
yes, i threw myself into that
but nowadays lately i've been wonderin
maybe this artist needs a different medium

and until i discover it
no need to know the what for
that i already know

i owe it to myself to find a way to
shees louise
i can barely even say it

i feel as if
i'm ready for yet another transformation

i change all the time

"you're always changing and different and yet you're always the same person" michael once said to me.

i remember everyting.
everything.

owner of a lonely heart.

flowin'
mowin'
growin'

grown.
flown.
own.

you're coming into your own person, mac said at work.
mac's the sales lead on our floor. she's in her 60's. from indiana. has the kindest eyes. a gentle, really funny with a hint of raunchy soul.

yes! i said.
i'm coming into my own person.
i really liked the sound of that, although from time to time i wonder what that actually means.

writing
it's the typing
that i love

truth be told

the other day i realized i was barely present.

i'm barely here, i said to an associate from cosmetics.
why? did you stay out late last night? she said.
no, i just realized that i've been barely here since i got here.
ah, she replied. well the first step they say is recognizing it.

that's right.

since then, i've been intent on showing up
"coming into my own"
being present. as fully as i can.

why?
because that's my sales strategy.
to show up.

and while i'm doing it for the job
i figure i'll do it for my life as well.

we all deserve to shine like stars! i said to mary ann, aka mac.

and then i put it in terms closer to home.

we're like diamonds i said, in their raw form. covered with carbon, you don't see the beautiful shine. but when you chip away at the carbon, beneath the black you can see there's a diamond in there.

and then after discovering the diamond, the stone is passed on to experts who know how to cut and polish a diamond.

me myself personally,
while i'm all for sophistication
in fact, i love it
i so do very much appreciate things in their raw form.

i guess it's because i seek and long for understanding.

well, this typing fanatic's got to get going.
just writing cause it's been a while

and i so do love to type

hiddy hi
hiddy low
hiddy hiddy hiddy so mo

ff

do wish i'd edit from time to time though
:]

2008-05-08T22:54:00.000-07:00

2008-05-08T21:44:00.000-07:00

it's been a long, a long time since i've been up past 1. 1am portland time.

screw up.

what conditions do i believe i must

hold on sting

(if you need somebody on the jukebox)

what do i value

what do i believe i must have, i must do and what is it about those things that are important to me?

wellness

liking... lovin' what i see in the mirror ... both literally and figuratively

having a solid relationship with my own, tight, real close

"if you love somebody, set them free"

and that's what this damn bloggin' been all about for me

2008-05-08T10:33:00.000-07:00

deciding what i want.

damn.

i don't understand your process

but once you've decided upon something

it happens

if and when you really want it

"it's beautiful to watch love again"

but oh so sad when it ends.

may it never end again.

everybody is somebody's fool

mj on the jukebox

yeah.

i've got to get out of here

"it's beautiful to watch love begin,

but oh so sad when it ends

as you go through life

remember this rule

everybody's somebody's fool"

that's a damn stupid rule

)

it's beautiful to watch love begin

and to grow

and to continue

may love begin

and never ever end again

amen

"love is

love does"

kind love is

kind love does

i respect what's shared in intimacy

i said

i continue to believe

i long one day

to be in a single mindset

it's so challenging

given how easily i can move

from one to another

exploring things from different perspectives

sort of been driving me crazy

i long to be clear

even if that means

that i'm both experienced and a beginner

love hurts

mj on the jukebox

shees that's just

so bogus man

well i gotta go

wash my face

and then do somethin'

in this beautiful place

that my sister calls home

patrick the orkin man

stopped by this morning

i asked him how he was doing

oh fine, fine! thank you he said smiling

i'm always thinking

happy and calm

without fear nor concern

i replied

without nary a sigh

right

and smiled quietly

i love your garden and home

it's my sister's i said

lots of love and smiled

i love the flowers she added he said

the garden is beautiful

yes i replied

with nary a sigh

nor a whiff of a lie

it's nice

i love to take things in

with zero chagrin

i feel a lot of love here in my sister's home

she's wild and wacky

and has her challenges

that she struggles with

i try not to focus and hone in on that

doesn't work well for me

you should come here a few more times

visit atlanta and you'll want to stay here

patrick said

i almost did

i do love it here

but then i found my way to portland, oregon

and hey .. :)

i live in portland, oregon i said to patrick

and as much as i love it here

i love it there

and it's my home

i can see a twinkle and brightness in your eyes when you say that

he said

it's so beautiful and i can see through your eyes

that portland indeed is a beautiful place.

aw!

indeed.

he repeated his name again

and i

i feel very increasingly

alive and well

no more days and nights in hell.

no more courting danger.

laughter

is what i'm after

but i'm just so

very

serious

what can i say

but continue to live

in the now

and say

no more promises

no more procrastinating

let's do it

come on

in the here and now

so very powerful

no more someday

let's make it

today

resources and space

so much to process

and articulate

what's the objective?

huh

to do what i love

to be what i love

exceptionally well

and beautiful,

2008-05-08T10:27:00.001-07:00

when you want to do something real badly

watch

take note

and you'll find

yourself already doin' it.

i read

many years ago

and decided on the spot

that it was true

and it continues to be.

ease

is what i like

living life without strife

the biggest challenge

i said to a fellow associate of mine recently

is to live and be

work and play

with ease

no need for torment

no need for painful struggle

no need for moanin n groaning

just figure out what you want

and start your way there

with consideration for where you are

and where you've been

sounds like kind, tender logic to me

sounds like a real nice key

"no need to worry

no need to fear

just be alive

makes it all so very clear

with a child's heart

nothing can ever get you down

with a child's heart

you've got no reason to frown

love is as welcoming

as a sunny sunny day

no grown up thoughts to lead our heart astray

take life easy, so easy

nice and easy

like a child

so carefree..."

mj on the jukebox

my dad once told me

i wear my heart on my sleeve

no one but a child does that he said

then a child i am and will remain

because i find it beautiful

and i love children

don't you?

i can't help but melt

it's a beautiful feeling

and so long as i'm never a parent

that feeling will never get me reeling.

2008-05-08T10:23:00.000-07:00

i long!

i wish!

to write!

short books

short passages

that make people

laugh!

and ok, cry too!!

why

because to feel

is beautiful

and sometimes what we really need

and want

is a good cry

releasing

energy pent up

for days and weeks

teens, i read, in one of my sister's books,

have a need to talk things out

preferably with someone trusted

someone who cares

someone who can provide guidance that helps tremendously

not hurts

someone who's reliable

teens need to talk things through

ping up against other people and things

in order to understand and make sense

of the things the experience.

kids

and adults need this too.

2008-05-08T10:19:00.000-07:00

dave, one of my housemates, recently said to me,

"sarah, i don't understand your process, but i know once you've decided to do something, it happens."

it happens quite quickly, actually.

i decided many years ago

that i wanted to write

i wanted to write with all my heart and soul and might

why?

i don't know

i guess i love to type

or maybe it's that i just am moved so very deeply

truly

passionately

tears in my eyes

i can barely talk

thank god i'm sitting

and have no need to look at a clock

why do i yearn it so

and how will i earn my keep

sitting

n' writin'

doing what i love

and hopin'

what i love to do

will be good

amazingly so for both me and you

"love, love makes the world go around"

in the right direction

2008-05-08T10:16:00.000-07:00

love is a great unifier and connector.

love without harm without foul

love is here

of that i'm clear

the writing

the flowing

the milling

the mowing

love is here

honey baby

oh man love is here!

over the top?

';-)

love is here

of that i'm clear

i write now without fear

love!

love it's clear

for me here and now

tomorrow too

so long as i remember

no! i release myself from that responsibility

love is here

of that i'm clear

love love joyous beautiful healthy so very good for me and you

love that's pure and true

love is here

2008-05-08T10:12:00.001-07:00

ere is always a way

there is always a way

to save a moment

to save a day

to save a life

to make myself a wife lol

to be alive

to be clear

to surround myself with what i hold dear

and the other way around

to turn

to be born again

to stay on top of the game

to be quite in sane

to be free of shame guilt blame

to love me

to love you

to be happy

even in the blue

to fly high

in my mind's eye

... everything is possible

and it's my job to decide if this is something that i want to last

the answer

is so very obvious

yes!

in my mind's eye

and my heart's true

everything is possible

and it's my task to ask

how do i want to continue this

feeling

dream

hopin'

or just a beautiful feeling

for the joy of joy

freedom!

to be

to feel

amazinginly well and beautiful

2008-05-08T10:05:00.001-07:00

there is always a way

to live a life full of continous hurrays

sitting

i take note

of how i'm feeling

what more can i do

but take note

and say

this is acceptable or not

oy oy oy

oy!!!

feelings

pressures

can't stand

being unable to speak

communicate

express

and so

i flow

letting it all out

fingers crossed

belief secure

i say

the truth will be clear

and obvious

and my awareness will surface

on it's own

or through a casual comment from another

my aim

continues to be clear

never to run away from all that i love cherish adore and hold dear

shhh

don't shush me

a smile

the melting

between me and you

the incoherency remains

damn

the insisting never to delete

not to edit

not when i'm sitting

nor when i'm standing on my feet

a different world

a different writer

i'm about peace love and friendship

forget sex drugs and rock n roll

hit it michael

can it be i stayed away too long

this time let me tell you where i'm am

you don't have to worry, cause i'm comin'

back to where i always should have stayed"

clear headed thinker

"and there's enough love for me to stay"

right here

where i belong

a place where i can call home

here on the internet

i want to be where you are, michael jackson

on the jukebox

2008-05-07T21:12:00.000-07:00

make a decision, and changes begin to occur.

life's funny that way.

perspective changes

allocation of resources, changes.

who the hell ever said we don't cope well with changes?

shees louise.

2008-05-07T20:57:00.000-07:00

the way we communicate,

the words we use,

lets others know

who and how we are.

huh.

shrugs.

i value personal expression.

i value the freedom to express, freely, totally, completely.

and yet.

to be whole/complete means nothin is missing.

what, i ask myself, is missing here?

what am i missing?

where am i not whole, not complete.

vey

hey.

today i said to my sister

i believe in this

that love finds it's way to you

and you/we find our way to what we love

fully, completely

but do we recognize it?

this is what i actually said

we sit next to the things we love

and the things we love sit next to us

she said i should be a nun

a jewish nun? i said laughing.

i thought you were agnostic she said.

nah, that was always robin (my twin sister)

me? i'm a mix of so many cultures and religions and i'm cool with all that.

i'm about peace love and understanding

about joys, delights, pleasures

i write and write

and write

may i open up

may i be exceptionally honest

and real.

real!

may i be inspiring, positive affecting and always beautiful from the inside on out, and feeling exceptionally good

"no matter"

no matter what.

am i a teen?

you betcha.

do i aim to be a princess or queen

no!

lol.

what is this, then

just a blog

a woman writin flowin freely expressing

because i can

without once again

any regard

blatant disregard actually

for the consequences of my actions.

ah. uh.

huh.

not bad for one evening

what do i value?

beats me

come on

what do you value

i don't know

muted

emotional overloaded

feeling unsafe

too much on this plate

my desired fate

to write

to read

to be solid

a long term go getter

who performs outstandingly and 100% in the now, the moment

with a clear understanding

an exceptional team player

what do i love

and value?

music.

pleasurable tastes, smells, senses.

to be moved.

favorably.

exceptionally favorably

and of course

as always

to be clear and coherent

and enjoy some amazingly good consequences.

why?

because i'm ready.

it's about time.

it's all coming together

my little sister said.

she's a social worker.

yes, i said.

still unsure.

but hell, i wasn't going to say otherwise.

spontaneous flow...

who ever said

this was the right way to o, i mean go?

i don't know.

do what you want

say what you want

be what you want.

muted i remain.

what do i value

what do i want

how long will it take to

ask and answer

the age long questions

for myself

soon as i need to

or i'm ready

i suppose

i don't know.

damn.

so much expressed

but time to give it all

a rest

2008-05-07T20:43:00.001-07:00

2008-04-20T07:45:00.000-07:00

falling

gonna drop like a stone

ever read siddhartha?

i did

i was a lit major

god i love this song

i love to throw myself into something

total immersion

it's amazing

it's beautiful

truth

delivery

indeed.

no more fear

nor shall i shed a tear

solid she walks

even while she talks

truth her front and back up

no one tellin her now to sh' up.

groovin

to the talking heads

and life is good

2008-04-20T07:42:00.000-07:00

"love keeps us together

love will drive us insane"

sax and violins

oh really

lol

"love keeps us together

and love will drive us insane

and we - are criminals that never

broke no laws

and all - we needed was a net

to break our fall

going home

back where i belong

to stay -

rays of light

they will turn the night

to day"

2008-04-20T07:34:00.003-07:00

sax and violins

talking heads on the juke box

(i feel alive, i feel alive!

lol... oh sorry)

"falling, falling, gonna drop like a stone

i'm falling, through the atmosphere on a ... cold morning

... "

fun fun fun

".. so don't tell me

pulease hold me

it's a dangerous life"

"can you hear

let's get out of here

i'm scared"

lol

... :)

"if you're looking

for trouble

that's what you will find"

not me!

"mom and pop they will fuck you up

a love so deep, it will kill you in your sleep"

damn.

i'm really digging this song.

and now, i'm gone.

2008-04-20T07:34:00.001-07:00

sax and violins

talking heads on the juke box

(i feel alive, i feel alive!

lol... oh sorry)

2008-04-20T07:08:00.000-07:00

the mother of one of the guys who lives in the house i'm sharing with 4 others said, "you're so together, and for someone so young!" the only thing i can suggest to you is that you listen to and guide yourself.

yes!

i'm well put together. so long as i'm doing what i believe i'm supposed to be doing. otherwise? i'm totally nuts and insane.

oh man

i'm feeling really good this morning.

no lies

no half tries

no false cries

delights!

joy!

me and i,

we make a pretty good team

no longer do i feel as if i'm falling apart at the seams

been there

done that

ha!

talking heads on the jbox

they so rock

i really got to giddy up

2008-04-20T06:55:00.000-07:00

decisions have structuring power.

yesterday, i felt as if i was flying. flying!

skies the limit! i said to a colleague of mine. sales, service and bottom line profitability.

let's not limit ourselves, that's so bogus. the business is there, i can see it. so let's sell, sell, sell and well .. and see what that translates to.

he's all for it. and is doing exceptionally well. me too.

passion, and true belief and desire.

what a fire.

belief has structuring power.

i believe that i live in a magical world

everyone confirms it, those i speak to.

i get what you're saying

when i decide something's funny, it is. a friend and colleague of mine at work said.

paul. he held my hand the first weeks on the job.

i believe in the power of holding on to a concept, and saying this is my reality! this is my insist and with it i persist! without controlling the responses of others, ... letting go, living my life and enjoying the new flow.

7am, time to go

what a life

what a beautiful delightful life

;-)

i had a dream last night

i dreamed you were by my side

walking with my baby

my heart was full of pride.

sting on the jukebox

coherent?

lol

no.

but's that ok

here in my space

coherency revealed

at my pace

all part of the face.

shrugs :)

2008-04-20T06:53:00.000-07:00

2008-04-18T19:46:00.003-07:00

belief.

what do i believe?

what do they believe?

what does he believe?

and she,

what do we believe?

so we believe, so it is.

i read that last week

and thought

shit!

huh

and no wonder

a friend of mine at macy's said,

i get what you're saying ..

when i think something's funny, it is.

and it's that simple.

and later i thought, until he no longer believes it's funny, and then it's not.

and it's that simple.

huh

belief. wow, talk about a powerful tool.

so my insist

and with that i persist

is that i have a choice

and a voice

my choice is to live continuously delighted and prosperous, in the here and now.

day 5 of this mindset change

and i've got to tell you

there's something to it ;-)

and that voice part?

i don't know, i don't feel as if i have anything to say anymore.

not that i did before.

2008-04-18T13:47:00.000-07:00

i made a pact

and that's a fact

to embrace and stay true

to a concept that i'm about to share with you

continuous delight and prosperity in the now

... takes some getting used to

i'm motivated, convinced and staying true

as i live my life, and share it with you

in order to get beyond the mess and craziness,

i wanted to accept where i am today

and decided it was perfectly ok.

and so i do

knowing tomorrow i may be different

and that too is perfectly ok

because i love movement

i'm a happy woman

finally

and each day

my experience is it all gets better all the time

hurray!

"god bless mother nature

she's a single woman too"

the weather girls on the jukebox

2008-04-18T13:40:00.000-07:00

2008-04-18T08:35:00.000-07:00

2008-04-18T01:22:00.000-07:00

2008-04-16T08:23:00.000-07:00

2008-04-16T05:20:00.000-07:00

last night i met a close friend for a walk

and then we shared a meal

and with it i had a martini, a strong martini

when i came home, i wrote a poem

and now understand the appeal that alcohol has for writers

i understand

and i'm wondering

is there any other way to loosen up?

who wants to be reliant on something that comes bottled up?

not i.

me,

i'd rather be free

always

from ties that bind

and demons that haunt

maybe one day i'll find

drink from a waterfall

water

fresh

and delicious

and bottle that up and take it home with me

not!

i'll enjoy it

and that'll be that.

2008-04-15T23:20:00.000-07:00

earlier today, i chatted with a man.

joseph.

and he had this to say.

1. principles.

2. priorities.

3. character, which a person needs to maintain his principles and priorities.

2008-04-15T08:41:00.001-07:00

2008-04-15T08:33:00.000-07:00

2008-04-15T08:29:00.001-07:00

2008-04-15T08:10:00.000-07:00

2008-04-12T23:55:00.000-07:00

2008-04-12T07:30:00.000-07:00

yesterday, i realized something exceptionally important. and i hope and trust this realization has a deep, transforming for the good impact in my life.

i realized

or, i wonder if it's that i decided

i decided that it is MY basic need to be delighted, continously, non stop, without fail. sort of like breathing, if you know what i mean.

I NEED to be delighted as much ... perhaps even more actually ... than I need other things that we all take for granted.

Delight is not to be underrated.

I mentioned this to a colleague of mine from work. His eyes lit up and he couldn't help but smile. Exactly. That's the whole point.

Thank you Steve for helping me with this one.

Delight as a basic human right.

absolf'____luitly.

"you rock my world"

on the jukebox

crazy?

you betcha

nuts?

uhuh

an entertainer?

getting closer!

an actor?

on the nose

able capable increasingly comfortable

lucid, clear

able to identify who i am and what i hold dear

all i needed was a little break

from what some call the big ole rat race

shrugs

objectives

goals

friends

friendly energy

sensitive artistic beautiful

sincere

quirky

n' exceptionally sensitive

quick, bright, sharp as a whip ... shrugs :)

the desire

to have a life

to live!

exceptionally well

to care

with no one telling me

who to be

what i am

the gap between who i am and what i experience

and what others see

exists

and we're both wondering

how can that be?

this vast gap between my inner and outer world view and reality

i'm working on that

work

shees

focus on your desire results

if i want it

all i have to do is say it

insisting

meaning it

clarity!

beauty!

health

for myself and my family!

i'm part of a rather big family called humanity

and it extends beyond that too

my core

insists that i surround myself with people who understands

who shares what i adore

who'll support me without even thinking about it, maybe even knowing

because it's just who they are

easy support

delightful

supporting each other

success is guaranteed

you want your friends to succeed

you want to succeed

success is a seven letter word

the desire to do and be my best.

24/7.

far from delighted

i'm thinking

shees, time to start moving

one project after another

giving it thought and then some reflection

no more spinning wheels

cars can be moved

so can i today and tonight

considering

consideration

doing

being

thinking

feeling

respecting.

best way to respect something

best way for something to respect you is to respect it

in this case? i'm speaking of my writing.

my time.

my calling

my dime.

it's my call.

and i've given it my all.

i'm cruel

beyond belief

i think we all are

and i think i've had enough

of the insensitivity

the lacking of

something

let's talk

be open

get it all out

and that's what this project's been all about

"that's exceptionally brave of you"

people tell me all the time

i very much agree

and i ask myself

why?! why write?

why put it out there

and why flow

why not edit once in a while

or why not choose a subject

order

organization

discipline

i'd rather flow

and trust natural formation of thoughts feelings clarity coherency

i'd rather flow

and believe

there's a gift in all this

i chose to flow

because i don't often follow my mom's advice

and she told me so

go with the flow he said

and i said pulease

go with the flow she said

and i thought shees.

go with the flow

you want flow?

here you go.

no longer angry

focused on delight and delightful energy

my aim is true

i simply was born to entertain you

lol

day and night

but excuse me while i continue to work my way out of my plight

"it has less to do with effort (hard work, toil and trouble) and more to do with ... wanting it. really wanting it. and the results." ff

absolutely.

2008-04-09T17:49:00.001-07:00

i find natural formations to be beautiful, real, true and interesting.

"the best things in life take form naturally, with generous servings of play, enjoyment and leisure." ff.

2008-04-09T16:28:00.000-07:00

2008-04-09T05:47:00.000-07:00

2008-04-09T05:26:00.001-07:00

you know what? i love my life. and increasingly more every minute, hour, day.

and who wouldn't be grateful and appreciative for receiving exactly what i need to live

by standards i love, cherish, respect

today, tomorrow and yesterday

2008-04-09T04:22:00.000-07:00

i wonder at times

ok this evening

what does it mean to be a natural at something

just so very good at what you're doing

me?

it's my superman, bull's eye focus

why lie?

i believe it

and that's my secret

knowing what to hold onto

when and what to let go

too much

having fun

doing

what i

got

paying attention

playing

instead of feigning

wishingwantingablecapable

driving

walking

talking

licking a sugar coated coffin.

huh?

high speed flow

we do it all the time

the focus

the goal

i don't know

most people don't have a target

and most people don't even care to have one

is that true?

i read this a few days ago

and wondered

and thought

perhaps

a target

damn

a true target.

that we enjoy ourselves

on and off

that we are ourselves

that we're open

sharing giving

interacting

beautifully

"you took away the fear,

and you brought me back to the light.

you are the sun, you make me shine ..."

michael jackson on the jukebox tonight

"... you are my life."

i am my life

you are your life

we are our life

"no more tears

no more pain

cause you love me"

"you help me understand

that love is the answer to all that i am

and i'm, i'm a better (wo)man since you taught me

by sharing your life."

mj on the jukebox tonight

corny?

i don't know

don't think so

he too was considered quite the natural

i respect him

don't know him, so i don't know whether i like him

but i bet if i was in a really good place i would and could

respecting the love

respecting the spirit

respecting and cherishing a person who in many important ways is so with it

you are the sun

you make me shine

you are my life

mj on the jukebox tonight

freeflow unedited

2008-04-09T04:04:00.001-07:00

"you're such a natural at what you do. and it shows that you're really enjoying yourself. and you do your job so well.

i'm completely taken back when you say you're so uncomfortable and at unease inside. it doesn't show. it doesn't show at all."

my manager said to me yesterday, as we chatted about my experiences with the job.

i don't know why there's such a disconnect. but there is. and it's my job to close the gap.

addressing what's troubling me

so that i no longer feel the need to apologize nor explain

for my behaviour

i can simply be

sweet lovin' n' happy

emotionally able and capable

of lettin' go

of flying high

of touching, reaching n' extending

the sky

yes!

passionate!

able capable

of caring

daringly

and darlingly

with the innocence of a child

why?

because it's so beautiful

because it's a kind

of freedom

because it's a beautiful way of livin'

what was i saying?

expressing

paying attention to the details

the feelings

ah yes.

time to look back

so i can see where the original thought drifted and dropped off

emotionally able and capable

of reaching

touching and extending

my skies

is writing work

or is it more of my feeling like a dork

(not)

right

rock.

writing

making what's wrong right

what if it's all right

then what

oh yeah

lol

rock to the left

rock to the right

let's rock each other's worlds

let's rock our own worlds day and night

rock my world on the jukebox

mjackson

the desire to let go

open up

a quote from simplicity

"openess simplifies complexity"

lots of yeses tonight.

and complete clarity

it's a beautiful thing

that i'm totally appreciating

that's right.

let's rock

to the left

let's rock

to the right

let's rock our worlds

right here

and now

today tomorrow yesterday and tonight

with point and purpose

that we enjoy ourselves and each other

it's

shees

so important

one of those life priority things.

i said

to a friend and colleague

he agreed and said what i was saying was right on and beautiful

refreshing.

passion is rewarded with success

unexpected perhaps

but if it's real

it'll always be in top form

and at it's best

"there are all sorts of challenges", i explained to my manager

(and god how i wish to excel)

but key here is the issue of

what i wish to excel at

what challenge i wish to take on

make my own

making it personal

there are all sorts of challenges, the question is which challenge to take on. step up to the plate for. adore.

and absolutely understanding the what for.

familiar and unfamiliar ground.

to take a stand

and yes, this is my stance

and yes it makes me want to sing, fly, dance

and if you only knew

what i've been going through

you'd say

sing, fly, dance away

and maybe even you'd be able to relate

and find yourself singing, flying, and dancing too

and perhaps your neighbor too

and none of us would feel like a fool

unedited flow

2008-04-08T08:21:00.001-07:00

yesterday, i decided i wasn't going to be a part of any sort of aggression nor pressure. that's not my thing. and it doesn't make me wanna sing.

2008-04-08T08:19:00.000-07:00

2008-04-08T07:58:00.000-07:00

at work for the past week, for the past several months, i've shared much about who i am, where i'm coming from, what's been troubling me.

one of my colleagues said, "you must have been going crazy all this time."

a few times, deeply meaningful times, i've found myself, head in my hands.

it felt real.

our individual stories affect and impact ... very powerfully... the bigger picture ... i'm no longer interested in suppressing my stories.

gaps in the story.

and the taste of tangerines from when i was a kid, in my mouth.

i'm no longer interested in being crazy, feeling crazy, acting crazy.

it's obvious something's been troubling you, a client, a very nice client said last week.

i've been thinking about that. about my troubles. my worries and concerns. and i've continued talking about it.

seems like so many of us are troubled. what are we going to do?

i don't know.

stop worrying

give it our full attention.

"i've been spinning wheels" i said to justin

i can do something about that.

"i'm a big worrier"

i can do something about my worries too.

i don't need to worry. i wrote in my journal a few days ago.

i don't need to worry. i don't want to worry. i'm not going to worry.

instead of worrying, paying attention and listening.

and continuing to take my life one day at a time. one day, one project, one conversation at a time.

what story am i writing? i wrote on the bus last night.

how about a story change?

i have a hard time with things. doesn't have to be that way all the time.

"my head's spinning like a carosel..."

mjackson on the jukebox

unedited

2008-04-08T07:49:00.000-07:00

2008-04-04T19:03:00.000-07:00

both of us know how hard it is to love and let go.

so few know how hard it is to love.

lord i must have been blind

this mortal coil

on the jukebox

who do i write for

if not for you

that is for myself

i live for myself

i work, for myself

i feel because of my self

i am

my self.

you hold back each day, until it dies away

both of us know how hard it is to love and let it go

this mortal coil

we all have our own magic, i said to justin

what's yours? what's mine?

what's yours? i asked.

what's yours? what's mine he repeated.

i don't know, i'd have to write about that.

and internally made the commitment to do just that.

there are a number of ways we communicate and i say let's communicate here, let's communicate verbally. because what we're thinking and feeling. who we are and where we're coming from ... we'll express it and we express it irregardless of any suppressions and repressions going on. so let's put it forth, let's talk about it.

i said.

and say here.

what's all this about?

to give all i know and always feeling

to put forth and live

one project

one excursion

at a time

it's my dime

my hands red

it's time for bed

but first

a few clothes to fold and put away

a bed to be made

an alarm to be set

why do my hands remain red

aching

i swear

never to be a fake again

i swear

i love and prefer to be wide awake, even when i'm asleep

what's going on?

i'm intelligent

you're intelligent

and i worry all the time

today i wrote in my journal

a single name

and then wrote

i'm worried

who am i

the woman who'll take a man's heart and stomp all over it

and mine in the process

without meaning

with and without feeling

it's a hell of a crime

i don't need to worry, i wrote

no one's forcin' me to worry

so i can let go

i may have to write that a hundred times in order for it to sink in, i said to justin

day in

and out

again and again and again

day in

i'm no longer scared

this is MY space

my time

my pace

and i believe in myself

and it's about time

one problem

one project

one at a time

unedited

(context yo')

2008-04-03T23:03:00.000-07:00

play, pleasure and a whole lotta showing up
for life
for work

an increasingly coherent lass

for a whole lot more than whatnot.

pm dawn's "set adrift on memory bliss" on the jukebox.

2008-04-02T07:24:00.000-07:00

2008-03-23T20:56:00.000-07:00

2008-03-23T08:31:00.000-07:00

2008-03-23T08:28:00.001-07:00

2008-03-21T17:36:00.000-07:00

2008-03-20T22:55:00.000-07:00

my aim defined.

excuse me while i think.

2008-03-20T17:15:00.000-07:00

2008-03-20T16:57:00.000-07:00

My aim is true.

2008-03-20T13:27:00.000-07:00

2008-03-17T21:18:00.000-07:00

2008-03-13T22:24:00.000-07:00

2008-03-13T21:53:00.001-07:00

2008-03-13T21:41:00.000-07:00

2008-03-13T09:05:00.000-07:00

2008-03-13T01:43:00.000-07:00

2008-03-12T11:01:00.000-07:00

2008-03-07T23:40:00.000-08:00

2008-03-07T23:20:00.000-08:00

2008-03-06T20:53:00.000-08:00

2008-03-06T01:04:00.000-08:00

2008-03-05T22:11:00.000-08:00

2008-03-01T07:19:00.000-08:00

2008-02-29T08:40:00.000-08:00

2008-02-28T19:45:00.000-08:00

2008-02-28T19:33:00.000-08:00

to make a mistake, it's normal and human. but to play notes without meaning, without passion and feeling ... it's unforgivable.
paraphrasing beethovan in the movie immortal beloved.

and i thought, repeating in my mind, to do anything without meaning, passion, feeling ... it's unforgivable.

my aim is to live out there in the practical world, living a practical life and move and groove the way i so very dig. any other way is unacceptable.

a woman today told me i reminded her of amelie. i thanked her and made a mental promise to see amelie once again.

i also told her a little bit about my life, and she suggested i get out of where i am as fast as i can. she said there are times when the only thing TO do is run away. we spoke about trying to handle "things". sometimes that might translate into quietly dealing, or some negotiating. other times perhaps a face-off. but if there's a dangerous predator that's a threat, run she said. no looking back.

i get that. i got that. i'm preparing myself. there's time.

what am i saying?

to live without passion, without personal meaning, without feeling
is unacceptable.

to live a life that's hurtful, towards yourself or anyone else
is unacceptable.

when i look at me i see me
when i look at you and see a stranger, i remind myself that we're all mirrors for each other, and i look again and see a new image, kinder and gentler and beautiful. and i'm grateful.

2008-02-28T10:27:00.000-08:00

one year, i went with my sisters to visit my grandparents in haiti. my grandmother was haitian. my grandfather austrian. they had lived in haiti many years. at the time, they were living in a modest two story house in a quiet, hilly, rocky neighborhood on the outskirts of the capital.

i had purchased the rolling stone's album "some girls" earlier in the day while on city excursion with my cousins. i bought it for the art. what did i know about the stones? not a thing, except that it was a cool looking album and i was stoked.

i asked my grandmother if i could play my new record on the turntable in their living room. to my amazement she agreed. on it went and wow and man. it was my first introduction to any sort of music of that flavor and i was right there totally with them, totally into it. when the record was over, i turned, looked at my grandmother, and asked "may i play the album again, grandma ghis?" lol. not a chance.

:)

but that was ok.
she had greately impressed and scored big points with me that day.

2008-02-21T05:12:00.000-08:00

my mother wrote an email today
to say my grandmother had passed away

my grandmother ghislaine and i
when i was a child of 12, we'd play a game
staring into each other's eyes
holding each other's chin
singing a song in french
that went something like this:

si ta plais

maybe it was

tu me tien
je te tien.

it's been a long time

we'd hold each other's chin
look into each other's eyes
sing in french
and then
do all we could not to blink
nor laugh
nor smile
nor move

it was hard!

she was always so serious
and then not at all
it was so much fun.
:)

of course i always lost
and she'd give me a little slap
and i'd laugh
and she too
and all was good
and all was well.

one more time? i'd ask
she'd smile
and we'd play again.

2008-02-21T05:06:00.000-08:00

2008-02-20T07:19:00.000-08:00

2008-02-20T07:14:00.000-08:00

2008-02-20T00:51:00.000-08:00

2008-02-19T07:25:00.000-08:00

2008-02-14T07:53:00.000-08:00

Valentine's and Tiga

2008-02-12T12:08:00.000-08:00

2008-02-12T07:39:00.000-08:00

i read somewhere self esteem is tied with pride. and pride has to do with feeling really good about what you have accomplished, are accomplishing, will accomplish.

i'm all in on that.
i'm all for that.

here's to feeling good.

consistetly, constantly, enjoyaby,completely.

2008-02-12T01:10:00.000-08:00

2008-02-08T23:42:00.001-08:00