it's been a long, a long time since i've been up past 1. 1am portland time.  

screw up.  

what conditions do i believe i must

hold on sting

(if you need somebody on the jukebox)

what do i value

what do i believe i must have, i must do and what is it about those things that are important to me?

wellness

liking... lovin' what i see in the mirror ... both literally and figuratively

having a solid relationship with my own, tight, real close

"if you love somebody, set them free"

and that's what this damn bloggin' been all about for me

deciding what i want.

damn.

i don't understand your process

but once you've decided upon something

it happens

if and when you really want it

"it's beautiful to watch love again"

mj

but oh so sad when it ends.

may it never end again.

everybody is somebody's fool

mj on the jukebox

yeah.

i've got to get out of here

"it's beautiful to watch love begin, 

but oh so sad when it ends

as you go through life

remember this rule

everybody's somebody's fool"

that's a damn stupid rule

 )

:

:]

it's beautiful to watch love begin

and to grow

and to continue

may love begin

and never ever end again

amen

"love is 

love does"

kind love is

kind love does

i respect what's shared in intimacy

i said

i continue to believe

i long one day

to be in a single mindset

it's so challenging

given how easily i can move

from one to another

exploring things from different perspectives

sort of been driving me crazy

 i long to be clear

even if that means

that i'm both experienced and a beginner

love hurts

mj on the jukebox

shees that's just

so bogus man

well i gotta go

wash my face

and then do somethin'

in this beautiful place

that my sister calls home

patrick the orkin man

stopped by this morning

i asked him how he was doing

oh fine, fine! thank you he said smiling

i'm always thinking

happy and calm 

without fear nor concern

i replied

without nary a sigh

right 

and smiled quietly

i love your garden and home

it's my sister's i said

lots of love and smiled

i love the flowers she added he said

the garden is beautiful

yes i replied

with nary a sigh

nor a whiff of a lie

it's nice

:)

i love to take things in

with zero chagrin

i feel a lot of love here in my sister's home

she's wild and wacky

and has her challenges

that she struggles with

i try not to focus and hone in on that

doesn't work well for me

you should come here a few more times

visit atlanta and you'll want to stay here

patrick said

i almost did

i do love it here

but then i found my way to portland, oregon

and hey .. :)

i live in portland, oregon i said to patrick

and as much as i love it here

i love it there

and it's my home

i can see a twinkle and brightness in your eyes when you say that

he said

it's so beautiful and i can see through your eyes

that portland indeed is a beautiful place.

aw!

:)

indeed.

he repeated his name again

and i 

i feel very increasingly

alive and well 

no more days and nights in hell.

no more courting danger.

laughter

is what i'm after

but i'm just so 

very 

serious

what can i say

but continue to live

in the now

and say

no more promises 

no more procrastinating

let's do it

come on

in the here and now

so very powerful

no more someday

let's make it 

today

resources and space

so much to process

and articulate

what's the objective?

ah

uh

huh

:)

to do what i love

to be what i love

exceptionally well 

and beautiful,

f.

when you want to do something real badly

watch 

take note

and you'll find

yourself already doin' it.

i read

many years ago

and decided on the spot

that it was true 

and it continues to be.

ease

is what i like

living life without strife

the biggest challenge

i said to a fellow associate of mine recently

is to live and be

work and play

with ease

no need for torment

no need for painful struggle

no need for moanin n groaning

just figure out what you want

and start your way there

with consideration for where you are

and where you've been

sounds like kind, tender logic to me

sounds like a real nice key

"no need to worry

no need to fear

just be alive

makes it all so very clear

with a child's heart

nothing can ever get you down

with a child's heart

you've got no reason to frown

love is as welcoming

as a sunny sunny day

no grown up thoughts to lead our heart astray

take life easy, so easy

nice and easy

like a child

so carefree..."

mj on the jukebox

my dad once told me

i wear my heart on my sleeve

no one but a child does that he said

then a child i am and will remain

because i find it beautiful

and i love children

don't you?

i can't help but melt

it's a beautiful feeling

and so long as i'm never a parent

that feeling will never get me reeling.

i long!

i wish!

to write!

short books

short passages

that make people

laugh!

and ok, cry too!!

why

why

because to feel 

is beautiful

and sometimes what we really need

and want

is a good cry

releasing

energy pent up

for days and weeks

 

teens, i read, in one of my sister's books, 

have a need to talk things out

preferably with someone trusted

someone who cares

someone who can provide guidance that helps tremendously

not hurts

someone who's reliable

teens need to talk things through

ping up against other people and things

in order to understand and make sense 

of the things the experience.

kids

and adults need this too.

dave, one of my housemates, recently said to me, 

"sarah, i don't understand your process, but i know once you've decided to do something, it happens."

it happens quite quickly, actually.

i decided many years ago

that i wanted to write

i wanted to write with all my heart and soul and might

why?

i don't know

i guess i love to type 

or maybe it's that i just am moved so very deeply

truly

passionately

tears in my eyes

i can barely talk

thank god i'm sitting

and have no need to look at a clock

why do i yearn it so

and how will i earn my keep

sitting

n' writin'

doing what i love

and hopin'

what i love to do

will be good

amazingly so for both me and you

"love, love makes the world go around"

in the right direction

love is a great unifier and connector.  

love without harm without foul

love is here

of that i'm clear

the writing 

the flowing

the milling

the mowing

love is here

honey baby

oh man love is here!

over the top?

';-)

love is here

of that i'm clear

i write now without fear

love!

love!

love it's clear

for me here and now

tomorrow too

so long as i remember

no! i release myself from that responsibility

love is here

of that i'm clear

love love joyous beautiful healthy so very good for me and you

love that's pure and true

love is here

ere is always a way

there is always a way

to save a moment

to save a day

to save a life

to make myself a wife lol

to be alive

to be clear

to surround myself with what i hold dear

and the other way around

to turn 

to be born again

to stay on top of the game

to be quite in sane

to be free of shame guilt blame

to love me

to love you

to be happy

even in the blue

to fly high

in my mind's eye

... everything is possible

and it's my job to decide if this is something that i want to last

the answer

is so very obvious

yes!

in my mind's eye

and my heart's true

everything is possible

and it's my task to ask

how do i want to continue this

feeling

dream

hopin' 

or just a beautiful feeling

for the joy of joy

freedom! 

to be 

to feel

amazinginly well and beautiful

there is always a way

to live a life full of continous hurrays

sitting 

i take note

of how i'm feeling

what more can i do 

but take note

and say 

this is acceptable or not

oy 

oy 

oy oy oy

oy!!!

feelings

pressures

can't stand

being unable to speak

communicate

express

and so 

i flow 

letting it all out

fingers crossed

belief secure

i say

the truth will be clear 

and obvious

and my awareness will surface

on it's own

or through a casual comment from another

my aim 

continues to be clear

never to run away from all that i love cherish adore and hold dear

shhh

don't shush me

a smile

the melting

between me and you

the incoherency remains

damn

the insisting never to delete

not to edit

not when i'm sitting

nor when i'm standing on my feet

a different world

a different writer

i'm about peace love and friendship

forget sex drugs and rock n roll

hit it michael

"

can it be i stayed away too long

this time let me tell you where i'm am

you don't have to worry, cause i'm comin'

back to where i always should have stayed"

clear headed thinker

"and there's enough love for me to stay"

right here

where i belong

a place where i can call home

here on the internet

i want to be where you are, michael jackson

on the jukebox

make a decision, and changes  begin to occur.  

life's funny that way.

perspective changes

allocation of resources, changes.

who the hell ever said we don't cope well with changes?

shees louise.

the way we communicate,

the words we use, 

lets others know

who and how we are.

huh.

shrugs.

!!

!

i value personal expression.

i value the freedom to express, freely, totally, completely.

and yet.

to be whole/complete means nothin is missing.

what, i ask myself, is missing here?

what am i missing?

where am i not whole, not complete.

oy

vey

hey.

today i said to my sister

i believe in this

that love finds it's way to you

and you/we find our way to what we love

fully, completely

but do we recognize it?

this is what i actually said

we sit next to the things we love

and the things we love sit next to us

she said i should be a nun

a jewish nun? i said laughing.

i thought you were agnostic she said.

nah, that was always robin (my twin sister)

me?  i'm a mix of so many cultures and religions and i'm cool with all that.

i'm about peace love and understanding

about joys, delights, pleasures

i write and write

and write

:]

may i open up

may i be exceptionally honest

and real.

real!

may i be inspiring, positive affecting and always beautiful from the inside on out, and feeling exceptionally good

"no matter"

no matter what.

am i a teen?

you betcha.

do i aim to be a princess or queen

no! 

lol.

what is this, then 

just a blog

a woman writin flowin freely expressing

because i can

without once again

any regard

blatant disregard actually

for the consequences of my actions.

ah. uh. 

huh.

huh.

not bad for one evening

what do i value?

beats me

come on

what do you value

i don't know

muted

emotional overloaded

feeling unsafe

too much on this plate

my desired fate

to write

to read

to be solid

a long term go getter

who performs outstandingly and 100% in the now, the moment

with a clear understanding

 an exceptional team player

what do i love

and value?

music.

pleasurable tastes, smells, senses.

to be moved.

favorably.

exceptionally favorably

and of course

as always 

to be clear and coherent

and enjoy some amazingly good consequences.

why?

because i'm ready. 

it's about time.

it's all coming together

my little sister said.

she's a social worker.

yes, i said.

still unsure. 

but hell, i wasn't going to say otherwise.

spontaneous flow...

who ever said 

this was the right way to o, i mean go?

i don't know.

do what you want

say what you want

be what you want.

muted i remain. 

what do i value

what do i want

how long will it take to

ask and answer

the age long questions

for myself

soon as i need to 

or i'm ready

i suppose

i don't know.

damn.

so much expressed

but time to give it all 

a rest