where am i heading?
with all this flow
do you know child
where you want to go?





"thank god i'm a country boy"
john denver on john's music box





hey, i just want to sing, and dance
to laugh and play
hey, i want to work
and earn my keep
and way


this forelorn love business is over rated
i'll take true joy and pleasure any day


hurray ;-)



"thank god i'm a country boy"
the man could sure sing


hey hey
okay



what's this all about
lifted spirits
refreshing being and thinking


i don't know
it's about letting loose


"it's about looking for something i believe in
it's about looking for something to do with my life"
john denver on the boom box


thanks john
i need that

"i don't know what the future is holding and storing,
i don't know where i'm going
i'm not sure where i've been

there's a spirit that guides me ..."


thanks again.


"sweet, sweet surrender
live, live without care
like a fish in the water
like a bird in the air"


and once more :)


"sweet, sweet surrender
live, live without care
like a fish in the water
like a bird in the air."


i don't do things based on a dare
and it's not as if i don't care
au contraire
but



"just be here to day."



given a choice
i'd chose a spirit
who cares
that my days and nights
through and through
are filled with joy
and pleasure too.

december 21, 2008.
a wish.
a dream.
no longer the desire to scream.
no longer wondering if others are thinking, is she ok? is she coming apart at the seams?


never the case
i just needed a mentor

an understanding
there was a spirit
to guide me
gently along
around the pot holes
and through the loops and hoops
joyous actions
one after another
i'll forever write
to make things increasingly and repeatedly, continuously too





the things that bring me delirious yet peacefully so pleasure:

taking a bit of something so good, that i place my fork down and say thank you that was very good.


staring up into the sky. big white snowflakes coming down. white snow everywhere, in the sky and on the ground,
laughing. marveling. true bliss n' genuine no harm no foul happiness.

i've always wished to write well
it's part of what keeps me in hell

i write well
i am no longer in hell


i write
speedy
tricky
micky
dicky

i write
and am ashamed
but then i say
hey don't forget the rules of the game

to be
to flow

but what about direction?
and giving some things (shees) some consideration

like
being nice
treating yourself well and others too
knowing you're in a place of heaven adn forgiveness
rather than damnation and hell

like
being genuine
being real
being authentic
too

being in a way that is a okay
and good for me and you




"hey it's good to be back home again"
john denver on john's cd player





holding on
taking it quick
wishing for

blissful clarity
and no more false sincerity

desiring
to relax
and know
this way i flow
and off line too
works very well
extraordinarily so too
for me and you



destined
to put a smile on my face
destined
to be lifted and a place i'd remain
a state of grace
and focused on my work duties and responsibilities too
no more strugglin' to save face



you fill up my senses, like a night in the forest
like the mountains in spring time
like a walk in the rain

like a storm in the desert
like a sleepy blue ocean

you fill up my senses
come fill me again

john denver

Some people believe in love.

I believe in pleasure joy
in truth telling too

I believe in happy today and forever afters

This much I know is true.



I long for clarity
I long to speak
I long to write
Mighter than the sword
and keeps me light

I long to flow
comprehending as I go
and months and years after too

I long
to be
free
more so than to belong

I long to believe

That I'm everything I know I already am

Confusing, isn't it Sam?

I long.

I long to Hold on.


to all that helps
not hurts
to that which my embrace would never hurt
nor cause not even an iota of dismay

i long to hold on
to that which
gives me
perhaps even without knowing
a true helping hand

in this sea
this forest
all this wilderness

i long
i need
to hold on

to my understanding
that we all need something to hold onto.
something true to believe in.

something simple
something clear
something worthy
something dear


for some it's man
with him attached, a hand
for me it's my ability to feel sense and think
writing is what saves me from
taking a drink
and writing is what i chose will save me from
the brink.



i love to write!
and that's no lie
i love love to


whoops
catching myself now
it's pleasure joy and happiness i'm after
and the happy together and today and forever more.


i joy to life, whoops i mean write
i believe in my right to write



"she can live the life she wants to
it's alright with me.
but hey i'd rather be a cowboy"
john denver


nice to know where you stand and where you're coming from. and what's going on.
so that i can see
what it means
this business
of you and me

since i was a kid
smiling faces staring back at me
and dancing the jig
i wished i could join in
i wished i could inspire myself to want to win



some other's game
no thank you all the same
i'd rather play with those i like
rather than the kids and things that bring me fright

i'd rather write
with all my might


or create art
beautiful colors and shapes too

or take photos that show images that reflect truths that come
straight from the core of my being and heart



sh ...


whew.

never say something is unattainable or impossible. for just because it may be right now and today, and just because it may be out of your reach, right now and today, it doesn't mean it can't happen or wouldn't ever.

so just hold on. hold on to the wish and the desire.
write it down, make it happen

and maybe you'll find it happening. and you find yourself wowing. genuinely hurraying and blissfully sighing. most of the time.





in my family, we bear silent witness
until we can no longer


permission is given
perhaps one of us one day
perhaps i will today and all the days to follow
will find myself driven
and no longer hollow.

driven to flow

driven to sing

driven to given up everything
the people, places and things that have helped me grow
in order to become content within
and satisfied with what i place effort in and sow

no more focused so much on what it is i lack
but rather
on
needs
far from greeds
and smiles
and laughter
and pleasure

genuine smiles and hurrays
for real true and sure
happily today and forever afters

need i say more?

Several times, in the past several years, I've thought about everything I've experienced and been through. And I've had to back off, and quick. Because just thinking about it, made me sick.

And I knew for certain that taking it all in would for sure cause me to get ill. Very ill. So ill I wouldn't be able to recover and I'd die.

So I try not to dwell on the trauma of my life.

And I'm desiring very much to find much consistent pleasure and joy in my life.



One of the reasons I like to create art is because it's a safe medium where I can explore, let loose, flow and know I'll always be safe. I like that about writing too.






These days, I'm learning though to venture out into the world and do things that appeal to me. And discover why.
I'm learning to pay attention, to my thoughts and feelings. And I'm learning to be responsible for myself. In ways that extend beyond the shoulds.


Today I'm feeling, not really up to thinking too far ahead. I think one day at a time will work very well for me today.



Yesterday it snowed and snowed. We received 6-10 inches of snow here in Portlalnd, a city known for rain not snow. Every year, I said to John, people are sad because there's no snow on Christmas. Well this year there'll be snow for sure. I'm glad about that.




Last week, I looked up as the snow flakes, big huge soft beautiful white snow flakes, came down. I felt as if I was high, intoxicated by the joy of it all. It's not often I can look up and see the world coming down on me, safely. I laughed. And smiled. And then reminded myself that I was working.


It's true, I'm a digital artist and use very high tech software and hardware to create my art. But nature, is really where it's at and what it's all about, for me. Safe and comfortably within nature makes me very happy.


whoops, looks like i'm flowing again.
maybe that's not a bad thing.


i'll just carry this entry over to my flowin' blog when i'm done.


objective?
tis simple
to write
to flow
to be me
to experience movement
to both stop and go

to show up.


The plants are frozen outside. It's been forever since I've seen so much snow.

I was hungry, really hungry when I tried to go to sleep last night. So hungry my stomach hurt. I'm not hungry this morning. But nevertheless, I think it's time for some french toast.



My twin sister and I chatted last night. We don't often.
In my family we're adversarial, very much so, with each other. I want to enjoy and love my family. Not be attacked. Nor attack. Nor have to defend or be defended against. So I distance myself, in space, with time. Better to distance than to hate, I counseled her.

She said, "I don't want to be around people who don't enjoy me, don't embrace me" with true joy and pleasure ... with nothin' but smiles and laughter, happiness and bliss. I don't want to be around people who aren't my friends. she could have said.

I readily and full heartedly agree to that. It's important to be around people you like and who like you right back. It's healthy.




Joy! pleasure! Healthy tenderness too.
This I wish to her, me and you.

We all have such expectations on how others are supposed to be and behave
the expectations include our own behaviour too
My thoughts on that is
let's find a way to let loose

without harm
without foul
no pain n' suffering

That's my decide
and I think I'm going to let it ride.

Did someone mention french toast?



We have to regard the self, I said to John yesterday.
My self
your self
our selves
and never disregard
lest we find ourselves in the dull drums or harm's way.
but i guess it's ok to wonder and ponder over yesterday.
while comfortably resting or in motion today.


I'll find ways to take care of me.
And let the universe take care of we.
exceptionally well.

It's what I ask for.
on this white winter day

oh man
why do i feel so borderline dull and boring?
most of the time


if only,
i was more with it
aware and clear

of who i am and what's going on
on stable and solid ground.


if only ...

it was all so so amazingly wonderful and good
like the snow falling on me


did you stick your tongue out? he asked
i decided not to i replied

my friend dale sent me an extra ipod he had. it's rad. a long standing fad we all enjoy.

these days i'm enjoying and drawn to janis joplin.
take another piece of me


i'm going to show you baby that a woman can be tough
so come on, come on, come on, so take it
take another piece of my heart now baby
you know you got it if it makes it feel good
oh yes indeed.



shrugs :)















my twin sister wrote and said my mom's hypocritical and an inventor of truths telling stories that are convenient for her. and my thought is, yes. that sounds right on. and wow, that's very poetic of her.


i love when we shine brilliantly.
and love it ... really appreciating and increasingly ... when others tell me that i impact them deeply, truthly beautifully meaningfully.




you should write, he said, a book.
a book, i said.
not from where i'm coming from.


no more convenient truths
i'm all about seeing the real me and you.
smiling through and through
cause i believe in the healing power of feeling consistently really good.









well, now that i'm caught up here and jammin with janis
i've got to go.



"try, try, try just a little bit harder"


oh man janis
you rock.


"... so i won't lose lose lose..."

though you had ever reason
you didn't come undone
somehow you made it through to the other side
you didn't suffer in vain
sade on my ipod


rosanna, i wish you the same.























people say i'm one of the most grounded, sane people they know
so bright
such a keen mind
so positive and vibrant

it's not only one of me
there is we
don't beleive me
get out there, open up, give and see

or dive in
and then share
i know you want to
and i know you dare


like a sponge
observing it all
winter spring summer and fall


crazy?
don't think so
we need to live lives that serve us well
through and through


it's only love that gets you through
sade

i write
because it's safe
physically anyway

i write a whole lot better when i edit
and when i'm clear what i'm writing for
but


there you have it

more flow



it's only love that gets you through
sade on my ipod



i wonder
how
what other good turns i can do for myself in my life
others too




last week
when people asked
what are you going to do?
and i said i don't know

this week
i said
i don't know
but one thing i can say is
it'll be an adventure
i believe in the first intent
adn confident in this belief


i deserve to be happy and enjoying my life
day and night


continuously
consistently
living life
well


love is kind, and love can give and love needs no gain
sade

who am i? i'm someone like you
music, on my ipod
wilco, sky blue sky



my twin sister called, left a message on my cell. i called her back. she told me she had committed her daughter for psychiatric evaluation. my niece has been cutting herself for the past year and my sister having found out, set a rule: do it one more time, and we'll be going to the psychiatric hospital without any conversation about it.

my older sister is upset, understandably. "she doesn't belong in a psychiatric hospital ...she's a teenager, like i was once." my sister was wilder than most of us, but far from out of control. she only toed the line from time to time.

i've done the same ... granted in my 30's. i've always been a late bloomer.


so my niece is in the hospital, and i'm here thinking very little about it and feeling even less. it's how i cope best. giving things time, space and distance.

i don't feel as if i belong to this world we live in, i said to john last week.

last month i said, there are appropriate ways to express and feel pain. hurting yourself and others is not one of them.


it's why i love to write.
it's why i so easily throw myself into creating art.
it's why i love to look at the sky
and why my loves change all the time.



these days i'm preoccupied with how i'm going to support myself. my last day working in macy's furniture gallery is tuesday and all i can say about that right now is hurray.

that's despite all the pros i experienced working there.

i brought home the job description posted for the job in the employee's breakroom. and a part of it reads: "must enjoy engaging, interacting and developing relationships with others."


well, that, i said to john, explains everything.



he thinks i hate myself.
that's not true.
i'm just a bit confused.


and wish for so much.


i can start with the little stuff.



writing for me
it's my way of continuing to be free.



how do i feel
what's going down
what's for real


come on stick with me baby
we'll find a way
yes we'll find a way
robert plant, raising sand on my ipod

for everything to be a okay
f.


shrugs
:)

I didn't get the job at the fish shop. But John's fish tank looks great. And the new goldfish are swimming around looking really happy.


Last month my pinky friend forever Dale joked John's fishtank had become a death trap (many of the fish had died) ... with a bit of attention, that death business has been put to a stop.





I hope.
It's my ever present intention.



We all deserve clean, ideal for us where we will flourish prosper and thrive environments to live work play laugh in. The fish and all we care for included.



Hurray!




It's time to stop what you have started
It's time to stop all your sobbin'
on the ipod.


sigh.


it is time for you to laugh instead of crying
yes it's time for you to laugh

: )






right choices
=> right flow

that's all i needed to know






but how do i define what's right?

smiling and laughing
enjoying are all part of the formula.


healthy happy smiles and feet
prosperity too


showin me what to do





sweet roselin,
sometimes you've got to give in
sometimes you've got to be loved"
on the ipod

and me
appropriately.

have you ever loved someone so much you've give them all for?
rap on
right on
slim shady








what does it mean, to do right
for yourself
by your light

others too

no lose

win wins all around
no frowns
no blow ups
no clowns



what does it mean
to do good turns for yourself, for others



i chatted with a librarian about this last month
and she said
sounds like philosphy
we chatted a bit more and she said "ah, career related" you need to visit the career section. and then after a few minutes more of woman to woman chit chat, she laughed and said, sweetheart, that's got to do with living life. i wish all the best to you.



living life
i long to rejoice everytime i hear the sound of my voice
and the consequence of my choice.

yesterday i made a pact to enjoy my own company. no matter what's going down. where i'm at. what i've got to do. as a way of getting myself of out the woe is me blues. not to trivialize my long lived depression. everyone needs something to care about, and what i care most about is how i experience myself as i live my days and nights.

i really have to keep reminding myself.

wierd huh?





yeah.
:]


now that i've given notice, i'm freaking out. but there's a fish store that's always hiring and keenly interested in staff that actually would give a damn and show up on time. would they pay $12. an hour? i asked. min. wage leo, the manager replied. and it would be a slow climb up in term of raises.

damn i said. that's what i thought.

the fish tanks looked so clean, so nice. i like working with people who are experts, do a great job doing what they do and care. and i love animals.




moving on.

I cut my hair today ... actually John did the cutting. I set up the appt., showed up and explained what I wanted. He says I have very delicate features. I like not having lots of hair to hide behind. My art today comes down at the Tiga bar. Not one email nor sale. The art looked nice there. A few of the canvases even looked as if they belonged. Tomorrow is 8/08/08. I'm not mystical nor superticious. But I sure like and am delighted by the sound of 8/8/8, if only because it doesn't happen every day.

I live in Milwaukee ... no longer in Portland. I didn't realize I had moved out of Portland until a few months after the move. Does that make me an airhead?


I picked up a great sci fi book at the library. First fiction book I've read in a long time.

I wonder how long this whole "enjoy my own company consistently" project will take. God knows, I'm not interested in fakin' til I make it. I'm hear, whoops here, motivated and showing up for something I care about.

A human endeavour that has my heart written all over it.

'-)

Here's to enjoying our own company
together and when we're home or out on the town alone.



sugar and spice makes everything nice
yeah, :)

thanks michael,

f.

I kicked butt ... as a part of me expresses ... on the job. Showed up and gave it as much as ever have and did very well. Took another strong, simple step ... to bow out and find a new job.

It's so important to me to do well, to accomplish, to excel ... by my standards, by what's important to me. I seek safe harbours and enjoyable, really interesting work where I'll excel, grow, develop and well.

Health, wealth, happiness and true genuine spiritual beauty are all very important to me. And that includes enjoying my own company.

Simple steps
is what I like best.

a few weeks ago we began a big semi annual sale at the store. i just barely made my goals during the last sale, so i announced to my fellow sales associates that i was going to be very focused on the sale this month.


i'm doing very well, leading the pact, and that's a fact.
our dept. is meeting and exceeding the set goals.
and i continue to wonder, do i stay or do i go now?
and how.



it's so important to me to excel.

i'm tired of failing.




i think that's a good thing.





a few years back, a guy asked me, "what are you, an over acheiver or something?"
he could only see success whereas i felt much distress.



i think today i'll continue to think about success and what that means to me.


building my day,
my week
my year
my life
one success after another
sounds pretty damn good to me.

lacking words

sure there's a lot i could
say talk about and so on

but
well
ah
hell

i love to write
try as i may and might
a part of me continues
to show up for a fight


and another part says
what the hell is going on


i live a life of torment!
i stated admitted realized owned up to
yesterday
and it felt good

do you take meds for that?
someone asked
shees

no, no i don't.
i'm dealing
ok?
i won't bring it up again
to you.


i mentioned it to another colleague
she said she could relate and had discussed that with a therapist a few years back who told her she suffered from being real hard on herself.

i said well, i'm also intent on living in a high spirits, joyous state of being.


the mind is very malleable, you know?
it's all about perspective


she laughed, and said she really liked that.


so long as we're laughing
laughter, kind laughter, is one of those good for your mind, body, spirit, soul and memory that i trust.



today's my day off. it's a gorgeous day out. and i have no idea what i'm doing, except that i'm here, and soon will be out there, continuing on through my day.




i'm open
i'm wanting

and i'm deserving




a life full of kindness, generousity, beauty, wellness, joy and prosperity.

I asked myself the other day, what have I been creating? what would I like to create?

What do I have to work with?
What's the point?


Answering the Questions help to set the parameters.



We live in a marvelous world and yet,
I have such a difficult time making my way through it.

will it always be like this?
according to the parameter I set today, and this year, and this lifetime,
the answer is
nay.